I would like to share with you a group I have started on Facebook. This group is for wives who are hurting from their husbands pornography use or unfaithfulness. It is a “secret” group on Facebook. This means that no one can see the posts or the names of the people in the group except group members.
I thought it would be a really good time to give an update on my marriage because things are going well. My last two updates dealt with some rough issues. If you missed them, you can read the first one here and the second one here.
We did experience one difficulty this past week. My husband chose to break a boundary that we have in our marriage. The boundary is that he will not be alone in a closed room with another woman. We learned this boundary in the book Hedges. It really is such a great book. It was helpful in opening my husband’s eyes to how openly he was living his life. Once we read the book together, it was obvious why certain boundaries are needed in marriage. It was also obvious how a lack of boundaries had led to many of the problems we were facing.
I would like to start a new set of posts that help us meditate on scripture. When we are going through a crisis in marriage and seeking God to restore that marriage, it is essential that we are in the Word of God.
That is why I would like to focus on verses that bring us closer to God. Sometimes when you’re reading your Bible, a verse might stand out to you that just comforts your heart so greatly. This is when God is speaking to you.
Please read Psalm 9:10
And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; for You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You. (NKJV)
If you would like to read my story from the beginning and the reason why I am writing about this please see the Sharing My Story Page.
Sharing My Story: God’s Faithfulness in My Pain
After my husband told me the painful confession about his co-worker, I think I was in shock. I remember feeling thankful to God that he finally admitted some truth to me. However, I didn’t feel any pain for a few days. I think I was really just so shocked that my loving husband would actually pursue another woman. He really lived a true double life. I would like all of you to know that if this has happened in your marriage, I understand. I know that you never thought this would happen to you. I had honestly believed that we were in love and that my husband would never even look at another woman. Words cannot explain the shock that I was experiencing since the beginning of this journey.
After I felt this shock, I began to feel so very alone. My husband was the one that I went to with everything. He was my love and my best friend. And he had hurt me so deeply. Yes, he was very ashamed. He was very repentant. He felt very guilty. But, none of that changed how alone I felt. I didn’t know anyone I could talk to that would understand. I also looked for a website where women could connect with each other if they were experiencing this. That is why I know God is blessing this site. Almost every woman I have met through this site has told me how alone she feels in this. This is because the hurt is from the sin of our husbands. And that makes the pain more unbearable. Additionally, most women are too embarrassed to talk about this. It is a deep rejection.
Can a wife actually help her husband end a porn addiction?
Many marriages are ending due to the effects of pornography. The marriages that are staying together after a pornography addiction are spending years to heal and rebuild trust. Husbands are being trapped in this powerful temptation. Many men see no way out of porn. Many women are hopeless to even try to help their husbands.
Today we are going to study turning to God with all of our hearts.
If you would like to see the Restoring Marriages Bible Study Days 1-8, please click here.
Turning to God
Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it. (Matthew 7:13-14 NKJV)
When we go through a crisis in our marriage, we realize how uncertain life can be. Maybe you had dreams about the way your life was to go. Maybe your finding out for the first time that life is a very difficult path. Wherever you are right now, one thing is very certain. We need God. We cannot go through these trials without God. When we try to do it our own way, we end up hopeless.
Jesus came to give us hope.
Below is a question about overcoming painful memories:
I was reading your blog. One sentence said, ” For wives this might mean to stop thinking about the past.” That is the hardest task in my recovery, I just can’t escape the triggered thoughts from bringing me or my feelings down. I have been married for 34 years and I truly loved and respected my husband during what I thought was a good marriage. Nine months after discovery I seem to be recovering fairly well from my husbands secret life of porn, dating sites and philandering because he is cooperating and doing what is right to restore the relationship, but there is one thing that I trip on. Thoughts. The problem: I can be driving or at work and have a sudden thought of what happened or how I visualize it occurred. It hurts. Driving seems to be the most frequent times it occurs. I have desperately searched for a way to recover from this bolt of pain and fear I get during those moments. I have tried ignoring the thoughts, I have tried saying to myself, ” Here is a thought, it is what happened or what I feared occurred during his wandering, it was wrong – it was a foolish act, but now it is time for that thought to leave. Recognizing the thought seems to allow the fear to be displaced better than ignoring it. But the thoughts do return time to time. This — may be the one thing that harms the betrayed one, the inability to get past triggered thoughts. I have search for the one true remedy — how to get through moments – moments when these triggered thoughts burst forth. Hiding from them doesn’t seem to lessen the thoughts from returning. The scary inner thoughts are corrosive to the foundation of marriage. What is an effective way to work through the moment, so the thoughts don’t spread or fester – leading into hours or days of darkness.
It was three and a half years ago that I discovered my husband was addicted to pornography. I had been looking through his phone when I stumbled upon deleted still screens of images from porn websites. It came to me as a total shock. My husband had meticulously deleted all traces of his addiction for ten years. I never even knew he had a problem with lust. This crisis in our marriage set forth many months of difficulties.
Sharing My Story: The Sad Truth
This is a part of our story that still hurts today. If I think about it I can still feel the deep pain from that day. However, I feel it’s important to share it. I’d like you all to know exactly how our story unraveled. God has brought redemption and restoration to our marriage. But, that doesn’t mean that we haven’t been through a lot of hurt. I think sometimes people assume that when we follow God, we shouldn’t feel hurt. That is not true at all. Most of you know that in marriage there is a lot of hurt. The saddest part to me is that my love story really was never true. I wasn’t my husband’s only one. And this truth can crush you with pain. It’s something that we experience as wives when our husbands choose this path. That is why we have to turn to something higher. That is why we have to trust in God and accept God’s love for us. He is the only one that can love us perfectly.
I just created a new page called Sharing My Story. It contains the links to each part of my story in order. I hope that makes it more convenient if you are just started reading or if you would like to read anything again.
I have had so many various emotions after discovering my husband was addicted to pornography three years ago.
- I had times of sadness and depression that would last for days. I was often confused and hopeless.
- Then there were times when I was thankful and happy that God led me to this discovery. I was joyful and blessed that my marriage was being restored.
- I was excited, at times, that my husband was becoming a new man.
But, the emotion that I feared the most—because it had total control of me, was anger.