An Update on My Marriage: A Broken Boundary & Growing Closer

Update

I thought it would be a really good time to give an update on my marriage because things are going well. My last two updates dealt with some rough issues. If you missed them, you can read the first one here and the second one here.

We did experience one difficulty this past week. My husband chose to break a boundary that we have in our marriage. The boundary is that he will not be alone in a closed room with another woman. We learned this boundary in the book Hedges. It really is such a great book. It was helpful in opening my husband’s eyes to how openly he was living his life. Once we read the book together, it was obvious why certain boundaries are needed in marriage. It was also obvious how a lack of boundaries had led to many of the problems we were facing.

The situation happened when my husband was at work. He did not know what to do and felt very nervous, but he chose to do nothing. He knew it was a boundary that we had. In that moment, he chose to break the boundary instead of being uncomfortable and telling the woman he worked with about the boundary.

I was upset that he made that choice. However, I was not as upset as I have been in the past. This is because he told me about it as soon as he could. I know I have shared in the past that he has a huge difficulty with being honest. So, this shows me how much he has grown in this area. In the past, he would have never told me that this had even happened.

Additionally, by keeping calm I was able to talk with him. I explained to him that I was hurt. We were able to discuss what he should say if it happens again. We also talked about how important the boundaries in our marriage are. I then told him how well he is keeping all the other boundaries.

Sometimes, I choose anger and I let that emotion take over. But, this time I did not. I am really glad that I did not. When I step back and look at the whole picture, I know my husband is really repentant and he is trying so hard. So, I decided it was better to move on and not dwell on this. I am having faith that he knows the mistake and will work hard to make sure it does not happen again.

I think this has brought us to a period of closeness. I noticed that because I did not have an outrage over that situation, my husband has been sharing things with me a little bit more freely. I also think that because I didn’t get overly upset, I am able to listen to what he wants to share with me. We all know as wives that hearing about our husband’s struggle with lust is just hard! But, if we can get to a place where we can listen and help our husbands, our marriage will benefit.

The point is that my husband is going through this battle every day whether I know about it or not. I would rather know about his life and be there with him. We lived too many years with him living alone in sin. I am thanking God for where we are now.

We have been reading the Bible and praying together. I want to share with all of you again how important this is. If your husband is willing, pray together every night over your marriage. Read the Bible and talk about your days. It can be the starting point of your marriage being restored. If he is not willing, you can still start doing this alone. Make a time to read and pray for your husband.

I am praying for all of you. I pray that God is working in your life. May you feel His comfort.

Would you like to share how your marriage is going? Have you learned anything? Are you growing together? Are you having a rough time? Please share your thoughts in the comments.

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3 thoughts on “An Update on My Marriage: A Broken Boundary & Growing Closer

  1. thank you for sharing please pray for us as my husband does not share his temptations with me, I understand as you said once that you don’t expect him to share every tempting thought but I do want God to help him to share with me if something happens or their is an area that is making him struggle so we can talk about it, and help me to trust God if their is something I should know, so many times I’ve cried out to God about Why didn’t I see it sooner etc. but I keep coming to believe that God knew what my husband had to go through to come to a place of repentance, which thankfully he has but but since then all he has ever shared with me about temptation is that God is helping him and his relationship with God being better is helping I am so glad for that and I believe him, but I don’t want him to be afraid to share any struggles with me as you said we lived lies and two lifes for too long. He is reading a book on his own now called Anger and Intmacey by Gary Smalley, it seems good though I have not read it, it encourages me that he is reading and I have to trust that he is seeking to Grow in the Lord, When he first confessed and started counseling a book called Victory over the darkness by Neil Anderson really helped him, it helped him see who he is in Christ and break the cycle of condemnation and guilt, Please pray for us over this area of trust and openness. Thank you dear!

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  2. Hi Kayla,
    I will be praying for you both for that! I am so happy to hear about your husband. It sounds like he is very repentant and growing in God. That is so wonderful! I will pray about the openness. I know it is hard, but remember it takes time. This was the last thing to come for us. It was very difficult for my husband. So don’t give up! Keep talking about your lives and praying. I’m so thankful that you are encouraged due to his reading and seeking God. This is all a huge blessing. God bless you, Kayla

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  3. It is great to hear the progress that your marraige is making! It gives me hope for mine. I have to say that right now it is ME that does not want to pray. At least not with my husband. Things had come to a place that just the sound of my husband’s voice made me want to be sick. We are almost three months into our separation, and things are getting a bit better. For us, being separated was crucial for moving forward. The problem for us is that I have known about my husbands battle for the past 21 years, and counseling and books, etc. were not enough for repentance. Having a relationship with God is the ONLY thing that works. He is finally serious about seeking God. However I know all the ‘games’ and ‘tricks’ that 21 years has taught me. My husband isn’t even aware that he is doing certain behaviors. He is working really hard on listening skills. On the one hand it is good to see him actually working on it, on the other it is exceedingly painstaking to know just how selfish and thoughtless he has been all these years. He has to ‘restart’ his listening after every 2 to 4 sentences because he just takes over the conversation. This happens with every single conversation. Most times I am able to continue on with the conversation, but others, when I can’t get past saying 5 words before he breaks in *again*, I tell him we have to talk another time. This prevents me from blowing up. He is working on listening to the kids as well, and I see them going through the same struggles. We are all so done with being nothing more than mere objects to him. I know it will take much more time, much more than the few months this latest fall has brought, to get past the pain and for him to learn simple things like listening.

    Unfortunately all of my energy and desire for our marraige is gone. The **ONLY** reason I am ‘sticking’ it out is because I don’t have any other options. I know that God will work in my heart…eventually. But there are days I can’t even pray for God to help me. The depression is hard, and life doesn’t seem to slow down because there is a crisis. Just more junk keeps piling on top of us. I keep telling myself that you can’t have mountaintops without a valley….surely there has to be a point in the future where our road starts to take a turn towards the mountaintop!

    Thank you for continually sharing your story, your pain, your progress!

    Blessings,
    Kerri

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