I thought it would be a really good time to give an update on my marriage because things are going well. My last two updates dealt with some rough issues. If you missed them, you can read the first one here and the second one here.
We did experience one difficulty this past week. My husband chose to break a boundary that we have in our marriage. The boundary is that he will not be alone in a closed room with another woman. We learned this boundary in the book Hedges. It really is such a great book. It was helpful in opening my husband’s eyes to how openly he was living his life. Once we read the book together, it was obvious why certain boundaries are needed in marriage. It was also obvious how a lack of boundaries had led to many of the problems we were facing.
This is a prayer for a wife who is following God to restore her marriage after discovering her husband’s pornography use or unfaithfulness.
Thank You so much for this chance to rebuild my marriage. I come to You today to pray for my husband. God, You know what we have been through. You know the pain and hurt we’ve experienced. And You are the only One that knows deep inside my heart.
You are also the only One that knows my husband’s heart. God, I try to know him and understand him, but really You are the only One that sees the heart.
That is why I am coming to You on behalf of my husband.
Today we are going to study turning to God with all of our hearts.
If you would like to see the Restoring Marriages Bible Study Days 1-8, please click here.
Turning to God
Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it. (Matthew 7:13-14 NKJV)
When we go through a crisis in our marriage, we realize how uncertain life can be. Maybe you had dreams about the way your life was to go. Maybe your finding out for the first time that life is a very difficult path. Wherever you are right now, one thing is very certain. We need God. We cannot go through these trials without God. When we try to do it our own way, we end up hopeless.
Jesus came to give us hope.
It was three and a half years ago that I discovered my husband was addicted to pornography. I had been looking through his phone when I stumbled upon deleted still screens of images from porn websites. It came to me as a total shock. My husband had meticulously deleted all traces of his addiction for ten years. I never even knew he had a problem with lust. This crisis in our marriage set forth many months of difficulties.
Sharing My Story: The Sad Truth
This is a part of our story that still hurts today. If I think about it I can still feel the deep pain from that day. However, I feel it’s important to share it. I’d like you all to know exactly how our story unraveled. God has brought redemption and restoration to our marriage. But, that doesn’t mean that we haven’t been through a lot of hurt. I think sometimes people assume that when we follow God, we shouldn’t feel hurt. That is not true at all. Most of you know that in marriage there is a lot of hurt. The saddest part to me is that my love story really was never true. I wasn’t my husband’s only one. And this truth can crush you with pain. It’s something that we experience as wives when our husbands choose this path. That is why we have to turn to something higher. That is why we have to trust in God and accept God’s love for us. He is the only one that can love us perfectly.
I just created a new page called Sharing My Story. It contains the links to each part of my story in order. I hope that makes it more convenient if you are just started reading or if you would like to read anything again.
If you are just starting the Restoring Marriages Bible Study, you can see Day One here.
Cleansing Our Minds
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy- meditate on these things. (NKJV)
Today we are going to talk about cleansing our minds. One thing that I always hear from marriages is their worry about having pure minds. Many wives are very concerned with the thoughts that remain in their husbands’ minds from watching pornography.
Even when our husbands actively turn away from pornography and lust, the memories are still there. This is a very sad consequence of watching pornography. Once you watch it, it doesn’t leave you for a very long time.
One reason I started Hopeful Wife Today was to share my story. I believe that when we share our stories to other hurting wives two things happen. One, we are releasing the hurt that is inside of us. Two, we are helping others to not feel so alone. I believe God wants us to open up our hearts in order to unite with others who are going through similar things. If you would like to read other stories from women who have bravely opened up their hearts check out the page Personal Stories. If you feel God leading you to share your story, please do so on that page.
If you have missed parts of my story and would like to start at the beginning, please see Discovery. This is an ongoing topic where I will be sharing important parts of my marriage starting three and a half years ago. That was when I first found out my husband was addicted to pornography. I’ll be sharing our story until I get to where we currently are. After that, I’ll be writing updates on how our marriage is presently.
Thank you to all who are following. I pray that you may find some hope in my story.
Sharing My Story: I Didn’t Believe My Husband
A thought entered my mind that I could not get rid of. He’s not telling me everything. I never questioned before that he wasn’t telling me the truth. But, now, it just wouldn’t go away! No matter how I tried to get away from it, I could only hear one loud message. My husband was hiding things from me.
I recently received this question from a wife:
There was recently an episode last week in which my husband lied to me. We have accountability talks each week where we discuss struggles, temptations, etc.
During this time he reported that he had been tempted to look at a provocative picture online but didn’t because he loves me and knows that it is not worth it. I had a feeling to check his internet history and found that he had actually looked at the image. I am struggling with how to resolve the issue of lying and how we can work together to be more open, honest and also what we can do to set boundaries. He admitted he lied but says it is because he wanted to avoid my reaction. I was hoping you could give some godly advice.
I have had so many various emotions after discovering my husband was addicted to pornography three years ago.
- I had times of sadness and depression that would last for days. I was often confused and hopeless.
- Then there were times when I was thankful and happy that God led me to this discovery. I was joyful and blessed that my marriage was being restored.
- I was excited, at times, that my husband was becoming a new man.
But, the emotion that I feared the most—because it had total control of me, was anger.
Continue reading this on Covenant Eyes
I had a really nice childhood. I have to say that I truly love my dad. My dad never introduced lust into our home. I never really knew how much of a struggle lust is for men. My father treated me with respect my whole life and he still does. He’s been faithful to my mom his whole life. He never had pornography of any kind in our house. We didn’t have the internet or any adult channels on TV. I always assumed that men had complete control over this sin. I thought they easily chose whether to partake in it or not. Additionally, I never thought it was something that nice, Godly men would consume in secret. I guess I was pretty naive.