Breaking the Addiction

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After ten years of marriage, I accidentally discovered my husband’s addiction to pornography. It has been three years of a very long and trying journey. In this article, I would like to share the most helpful ways that our marriage overcame this terrible addiction.

The first and most important step was bringing the addiction to pornography and lust into the light. Once this secret was out and in the open, God could start working on our marriage. Before I knew anything about the pornography, this evil was in full control of my husband. He could not fight it on his own. However, having his wife know of his worst brought about such deep shame and guilt that this crucial step brought about most of the change. I felt as if I was meeting my husband for the first time. There was now so much about him that I did not know. I had a new man in front of me. Someone with real struggles and problems instead of a false superhero.

Next, my husband and I set some clear boundaries and goals. I actually made a list of the most important things we needed to do for my heart to heal, my trust to grow, and our marriage to work. The top items on this list were:

Reading the Bible and praying daily

Discussing our day and all important events

Becoming completely open and honest about our feelings, struggles, and temptations

Placing an accountability program on all internet browsers and phones

Another important thing we did was increase our time together. We started talking more and becoming friends again. Life had become so busy that we were drifting apart. Now it was too late to avoid destruction because destruction had found its way in. So now we started our relationship again by just being together. My husband talked a lot about his past and described his upbringing in a way I never knew. He explained how pornography was always available to him, even as a young boy. This helped me greatly because even though I was in such deep pain, I felt sorrow for the little boy who was exposed to such terrible sin. Sin that would go into his marriage and ruin the love with his wife. Yet, that sin was accepted in his family. I started to see that he did not have a choice as that young boy. I also became proud of him because now he had a huge choice and he was making the right one this time. This time, he knew how much I was depending on him.

A crucial thing that my husband and I did was develop strong personal Bible and prayer time. My husband increased my trust by starting a pattern of praying on his knees every single morning before he left the house. He took that moment to read scripture, pray for our marriage, and pray for God’s protection against lust. From this I knew that I could trust in God against anything that might come our way to temp my husband into lust and me into hurt and anger.

We also enrolled in the free on-line program called Setting Captives Free. My husband took the course on sexual sin and I took the course for wives of husbands in sexual sin. This course taught my husband about the Holy Spirit and exactly how the Holy Spirit guides a person throughout their life.

As time continued, we worked so hard to bring trust back into our marriage. My husband understood that he had to work hard and give up some things to have our marriage grow. Each individual will have different areas that are looked at and rearranged. For me, I felt some specific things that would make me trust my husband more. Some examples are:

We always go to sleep at the same time

We turn off all commercials in our home during television programs

My husband does not spend any time alone with women or go out of his way to talk to a woman

When my husband is away from home, he only uses the Internet for work related things. Even though his computer has an accountability filter, there are so many “acceptable” websites that have terrible adds and tempting information on them. Therefore any browsing that is done for fun is done right at home on our kitchen table.

Every marriage that tries to overcome the addiction to pornography will be different. These were the most essential things that have helped our marriage move beyond the pain and lack of trust.

Please add to this list any ways or ideas that have been helpful to your situation.

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6 thoughts on “Breaking the Addiction

  1. My husband has been addicted to porn for the last 20 years or more (He is only 29) I have known about it our whole marriage even before we got married and I always believed that because he saw how much it hurt me that when he promised with tears in his eyes that he was done for good this time, that that meant he would really stop. Well it has never stopped, he has tried but the devil always finds his way back into our marriage. We have been married for almost 7 years now and I am at the breaking point where I no longer know what to do, where to turn even though we pray it always seems to wedge it’s way back in somehow . I am going to try the nighty prayer and the list thing that you had done. And I pray that we will finally beat the horrible addiction.
    Thank you for sharing your story

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  2. Thank you Chera. I am praying for you. It is such a heart-wrenching sin how it can just tear us wives apart on the inside. Even currently, my husband still struggles with being completely honest with me. Each time I discover a hidden lie it feels as if we are starting all over again. I never thought I would rely on God like this in my life. My husband is my best friend and my love, yet I still feel so alone sometimes. We are definitely still growing and restoring with many bumps along the way. I’ll be praying for you and your marriage. I pray that God would speak to both of you as you start your nightly prayers.

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  3. I was thrilled to find your blog tonight through Unveiled Wife! My husband and I have been married almost 5 years. My husband joined the Air Force 6 months after we married, so we were separated 4 months while he went thru basic traning and technical school, and then I decided to move to Texas so we could be together for the remaining 3 months of his schooling. A few days after moving there, I felt the need to search his phone, and sadly, found pornography. Unfortunately it’s still a battle in our home. Since that time, I generally would find some new evidence every few months, and he would apologize, seemingly confess/repent, walk with The Lord for a short time, then slack off in his walk and I eventually find something questionable again. He and I both grew up in strong christian homes, but unfortunately he was exposed to pornography as a young boy through curious internet searches. Since then, he lived a secret life using pornography, and indulging in dirty movies and ungodly music. Thankfully he no longer engages in ungodly music or television. We have accountability software on our phones, computer, tv… God has given me indescribable peace and healing thru the last 4 years. When a this began in our marriage, as you know, the pain is so great, I didn’t know how id survive, but God is great! It’s still very hard, as the hurt and deception, and brokenness of trust still taints our days together, but I love my husband and I’m determined to fight for our marriage and not let satan win. We have two precious little children, and I desire for them to get to experience a home with two parents completely committed to The Lord and to one another! Thank you for sharing your journey with us… I look forward to following it 🙂

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  4. Hi Amanda,
    Thanks for sharing your story and all your encouragement. I’m so glad to hear you’re not going to give up! I feel the same way you do some days. Some days it’s just hard! So happy you’ll be joining us here. I’ll be praying for your marriage!

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  5. Pingback: Trusting God with My Marriage And WW Linkup

  6. Pingback: God’s Plan When it’s Difficult | Hopeful Wife Today

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