We just got back from our family vacation. It was really nice to relax and spend time together. I had very limited internet access while I was away, which made it even more relaxing because I was able to do “nothing” and rest!
When I was able to read the comments on the last post, I thought of a few things. First, I was reminded that there are many wives who are deeply hurting. Like I do many times, they feel alone and scared. They have no idea what to do. Then, I thought of the main reason I started this site. It is and always will be:
Hope and Healing for Hurting Wives
Today I am going to respond to some questions left on the Feedback From Readers Page.
This was the comment that one reader left:
I just found this website and I am SO BLESSED and thankful already and I have only spent a short time reading some of the entries and comments.
Is there any information on here about how to find SAFE PEOPLE at CHURCH? My husband and I were New Believers who joined a Small Group and most of the couples in the group were dealing with addiction by showing the men GRACE. I was incredibly frustrated and was given messages such as… “Just love your husband”… “Be the face of Christ”… “That’s his problem to deal with”… “I don’t ask him about that”, and my favorite… “We’re not going to deal with the Pornography Addiction when the real problem is the marriage”.
It was a large church so we went to the Area Director, Small Groups Pastor, and then a Lead Pastor. At every level we were met with invalidation, told our EXPECTATIONS were too high, and that the Small Group Leader and Group was SAFE. That it just wasn’t a good fit for us. I became the scapegoat really. I was in such a vulnerable place at the time that I started to believe that maybe I was the problem. It was awful and I was deeply hurt, and fought depression, extreme social anxiety, and a host of health issues. I felt unloved and unsafe in my marriage, in my family of origin, and the final blow… I felt unsafe at church.
It took 2 years to get back on my feet. When I say get back on my feet I mean I struggled to get out of bed, leave the house, and function without flashback and triggered thoughts pulling me under. It was scary. I thought I was going crazy. Depression medication barely made a dent. I was spiritually crushed. I had a lot of past stuff hitting at the same time, so there was a lot to sort through. I was hanging on by a thread, but the Lord didn’t let go of me.
I see a lot of recommendations on this website and others to contact a counselor or PASTOR… but when we did look to our church leaders… they did more harm than good. The leaders and pastors were not at all equipped or trained to handle addiction. It really set us both back.
How do we move forward after being “de-churched”? What do we need to look for moving forward, what are some questions we can ask?
I would first like to say that I think most people are very quiet on the issue of pornography in marriage. This is especially true in the “Christian” population. Many husbands and wives are afraid to bring up these problems in the church. Moreover, some marriages think the church is the last place they would go to for help with this. I truly believe that pornography in Christian marriages is a silent sin. It is something that no one wants to talk about and no one wants to confess. However, marriages are suffering. Because of this silence, people are alone and trapped.
We’ve been discussing thoughts several times recently. We looked at a question from a wife who had troubling thoughts. Then, I talked about what we think about in an Update on My Marriage and the recent Restoring Marriages Bible Study. Many readers also commented on how they struggle with these thoughts as well. Someone even brought up how current events can make us remember the bad things that have happened. Then we get stuck and dwell on them. This is one issue that seems to be so difficult for every wife who finds out about her husband’s secrets. That is why I thought I would continue with this topic.
Sharing My Story: The Sad Truth
This is a part of our story that still hurts today. If I think about it I can still feel the deep pain from that day. However, I feel it’s important to share it. I’d like you all to know exactly how our story unraveled. God has brought redemption and restoration to our marriage. But, that doesn’t mean that we haven’t been through a lot of hurt. I think sometimes people assume that when we follow God, we shouldn’t feel hurt. That is not true at all. Most of you know that in marriage there is a lot of hurt. The saddest part to me is that my love story really was never true. I wasn’t my husband’s only one. And this truth can crush you with pain. It’s something that we experience as wives when our husbands choose this path. That is why we have to turn to something higher. That is why we have to trust in God and accept God’s love for us. He is the only one that can love us perfectly.
I just created a new page called Sharing My Story. It contains the links to each part of my story in order. I hope that makes it more convenient if you are just started reading or if you would like to read anything again.
This is a prayer for beauty. It is for any wife who discovers her husband has viewed pornography.
I am coming to you today about something painful. It is something deep in my heart that is broken. It is raw and empty. It is about beauty.
I had a really nice childhood. I have to say that I truly love my dad. My dad never introduced lust into our home. I never really knew how much of a struggle lust is for men. My father treated me with respect my whole life and he still does. He’s been faithful to my mom his whole life. He never had pornography of any kind in our house. We didn’t have the internet or any adult channels on TV. I always assumed that men had complete control over this sin. I thought they easily chose whether to partake in it or not. Additionally, I never thought it was something that nice, Godly men would consume in secret. I guess I was pretty naive.
I want to let you know that I am starting to tweet short prayers each day on Twitter. If you haven’t done so yet, please start following Hopeful Wife Today on Twitter. Together we can continue praying for our husbands and our marriages that God will continue His restoring power. This is our hope and our faith that God can bring light out of darkness.
I am praying for you daily as you seek to follow God in your marriage!
If you are just starting, please check out Restoring Marriages Bible Study: Day 1.
Psalm 147:3 (NKJV)
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Today’s bible study is a day to meditate on the verse. The way that we can meditate on this particular verse is to first read it a few times. Next, take a turn to each describe how this verse speaks to your heart. Either husband or wife can go first. Today’s verse is such an intimate verse. When we hear this verse, we usually think of something immediately. We think of that wound deep inside of us that seems unable to ever be mended. We usually feel so much pain in this wound. There may be many years of suffering. It might seem like it’s been there forever.
After I explained to my husband the hurting I was still feeling inside, noting really changed in our marriage. We were still two people living together, but never really connecting to each other. I started to doubt God and all His promises. I wondered day after day why I was in such a lonely marriage. I really wanted to know why my marriage ended up this way. I had loved my husband so much for eleven years of marriage. And there I was taking care of a fourth newborn! I was exhausted. I was totally worn out. But, I really never could sleep at night. I would lie awake thinking about my life and wondering what happened. Continue reading
Check out the new page Encouraging Music. There you’ll find songs that have helped me when I was hurting the most. I’ll be adding more songs frequently. Please tell about songs that have helped you in the comment section below. I pray these songs can help you draw close to God.