A Valentine’s Day Gift from the Wife of a Pornography Watcher

I know we’ve all been hearing a lot about the upcoming Valentine’s Day. I’ve seen many posts offering unique gifts for your spouse. Some of these have great suggestions. However, if you’re like me, there may have been times that Valentine’s Day was painful. Many of you are struggling to rebuild your marriage. Some of you are feeling hopeless with the cycle of your husband’s lust.

There have been a few Valentine’s Days that brought me deep sadness. But, this year, I’d like to offer a post with some hopeful gifts for your husband. The first year after I found out about my husband’s pornography viewing and unfaithfulness, I felt awful. I couldn’t think about getting him the usual mushy-type gifts. This is why I think Valentine’s Day can be a nice opportunity to give him a gift of encouragement. Some gifts can bring us closer to each other and the Lord. Of course, if you’re working toward reconciliation, still give him the gift you know he’ll love.

So, here are some gifts to provide your marriage with hope. Some of these I’ve given to my husband.

5 Ways to Take Care of Yourself – When You Don’t Have Time to Take Care of Yourself

There have been many difficult things for me since I discovered my husband’s pornography use. One of those things is taking care of myself.

I have been greatly encouraged by the blog CalmHealthySexy.com by Gaye Groover Christmus. She shares so many healthy ideas. Today she is going to share some of those ideas with our community.

I’m honored that Robi asked me to share some ideas with you, and I thank you for welcoming me into this place of prayer, respite and community. I know that many of you are dealing with very difficult circumstances in your marriages, and I am praying for you as I write this.

Women often find it difficult to take care of themselves. More than likely, you find yourself in that position too. Maybe all of your time and energy are consumed by caring for others, leaving little time or energy for you. Maybe you’re facing situations that just seem overwhelming, and self-care seems like an impossible luxury. Maybe you don’t even realize that your body, mind and spirit need some tender loving care. Or maybe you just don’t believe that you deserve it.

If that’s the case, the thing I want to say to you today is this: You are a beautiful and valuable daughter of the King. Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. You need and deserve to care for your body, mind and spirit. You are worth it.

I know it’s hard to care for yourself when you’re caring for your children, managing your home, homeschooling, working, and juggling other responsibilities. And when you add tremendous marriage stress to the mix, it may seem impossible.

An Update on My Marriage: My Husband Decided to go to Counseling

Periodically, I try to give an update on how my marriage has been currently. I talk a lot about past struggles, but I think it’s also important to share where we are today.

If you would like to read my last update, please click here.

My husband decided to go to a counselor. I have been frequently asked if my husband goes to counseling or if he has an accountability partner. Many wonder why he does not have an accountability partner. I think he would personally like to have one. However, he has not met someone yet that he feels he can share the details of his life with.

Because of this, we decide it’s best to share our lives, thoughts, temptations, and struggles with each other. However, due to several reasons, he has started going to counseling weekly.

Finding Courage to Face the Pain

I am happy to share with you today’s post from Bonny Logsdon Burns. She is the author and founder of OysterBed7.

Robi’s blog name is dead-on.  Active hope is how God continues to lead me after our marriage’s initial devastation with pornography.  Thank you, Robi, for allowing me to share my hope with your readers.

**************

With our 2-year-old son asleep in the next room, I try to haul my pregnant belly into bed.  I’m 35 weeks ginormous with identical twin boys.  I lift my feet off the floor just as I hear the sound of a freight train outside, the tell-tale sign of a tornado.

A lifetime of tornado drills put my husband and I in auto-pilot.  We know exactly what to do to have the greatest chance of survival.

It takes 60 seconds for the violent, F4 tornado to clear a path in our neighborhood.  I barely have time to ask God for help.

The break of day finds me trembling in a hospital bed as I watch the aftermath on television.  I weep from horror and gratefulness as I see the massive debris field of my neighborhood.

The first decade of my marriage was like this tornado.  It was only in retrospect that I saw clues that a tornado was coming.  We had foul weather swirling; nasty attitudes, disregard, dismissive and condescending behavior; until it all converged in devastating fall-out.

A New Year’s Prayer

This prayer is for the wife who is looking for hope in the New Year.

Dear Holy God,

The New Year is coming. Only You, God, know what will happen in this year.

Only You, God, knew all that would happen in my life. And I know I do not want to repeat these events again.

I am coming to You, God, for a new prayer. I’ve had prayers of sorrow and anger. But, let this prayer be different.

Let this be a beautiful prayer of hope to my Holy God. I love You, God. And I trust You more than any other.

Christmas is Coming, Along with Painful Memories

Christmas is coming. With this realization, comes a lot of excitement. Most of us are preparing for this Christmas season. There is much to do with decorating and exchanging gifts. We’ve put the tree up and started playing Christmas carols.

I have many beautiful memories of past Christmas Days. I’ve always particularly loved Christmas and all the astonishment surrounding it.

However, despite all this joy, I know that me and you have painful memories of Christmas time. Maybe you are caught right in the middle of a struggling marriage. Or maybe you have been on your way to restoration. But, there are still painful memories. Whichever situation you are in today, God is with you.

Scripture Meditation: Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26 (NKJV)

There are many times when our hearts fail us. We come across the pain of life and we feel deeply broken in our hearts.

The Psalm above understands this pain. My flesh and my heart fail. I have felt that so many times during this journey with my husband.

My flesh is weak. It fails me when I turn to anger. It fails me when I am so overcome with sadness. I have all these emotion inside and they fail me. They make me think that I cannot go on anymore.

A Prayer for the Wife who is Discouraged by her Husband’s Pornography Use

This prayer is for the wife who is discouraged by her husband’s past or present pornography use.

Dear God,

I am coming to You, Father, because I am discouraged. I am saddened by my husband’s pornography use. Many times I want to give up hope.

God’s Plan When it’s Difficult

Often, it is hard to see and understand God’s plan in our circumstances. Many times I have had difficulty figuring out what God wanted from me. You can read more about my story here.

I hear from many wives wondering why their marriage has gone like this. They wonder why has God allowed this to happen in my life. They say, “why does my husband have to have this problem with pornography and lust?” I have wondered those same things many times.

Sharing My Story: Making Changes and Setting Boundaries

If you would like to read more about my story, please click here.

After going through the worst hurt I ever experienced in my life, I realized that I needed to make some changes. Before all this truth came out, I was very easy-going with my husband. If something made him happy, I did not mind it. One example is that he was starting to drink heavily. I never drank and did not agree with it. However, he found a way to persuade me into thinking it was not that bad. So, I let him do what he wanted. That is just one small example of how our marriage was.

However, after feeling the pain that night, I was finished with being easy-going. It was obvious that my husband did not regard me in any decisions he made. He carelessly did whatever he wanted. Even if we were “Christians”, he did not mind living a full life of sin.

This was when I started thinking about boundaries.