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After going through the worst hurt I ever experienced in my life, I realized that I needed to make some changes. Before all this truth came out, I was very easy-going with my husband. If something made him happy, I did not mind it. One example is that he was starting to drink heavily. I never drank and did not agree with it. However, he found a way to persuade me into thinking it was not that bad. So, I let him do what he wanted. That is just one small example of how our marriage was.
However, after feeling the pain that night, I was finished with being easy-going. It was obvious that my husband did not regard me in any decisions he made. He carelessly did whatever he wanted. Even if we were “Christians”, he did not mind living a full life of sin.
This was when I started thinking about boundaries.
I think I became interested in the idea of boundaries because I was so shocked at the life my husband lived while married! I couldn’t imagine living such a life myself. I started wondering how he could possibly think all this was okay in marriage! When I accepted the full shock of his problems with lust, I realized all the other areas he was letting sin into our marriage. I saw that I was sitting down, letting all this happen, and not doing anything! As I started to become mad at myself, I began to make plans.
I really thought about the things my husband was doing that were causing me the most anguish and pain. I made up my mind that I would not tolerate them a moment longer. I would like to share some of them with you today. My hope is that it might give you courage to not let sin sit in your marriage.
My husband was drinking excessively. He was drinking whenever he wanted, even though he knew it upset me greatly. He was still going to bed late at night. Yes, we had filters on the computers. However, I knew there were still temptations. There are ways around filters. There are also other troubles that can be found if you are consistently up late at night when the family is sleeping. He was most of the time playing video games or watching movies. This whole pattern was starting to hurt me deeply. It was also making me angry. Why should I work hard towards reconciliation and forgiveness while he stays up half the night alone, drinking? It didn’t make sense.
Therefore, I set some hard boundaries. God led me to set these boundaries. God wanted to be in our marriage. He wanted to be in my husband’s heart. There would not be healing while my husband was living far away from God.
I explained to my husband what I wanted in our marriage if we were going to work toward restoration. My husband had told me many times that he would do “anything” to gain my trust and love back. I knew that what I wanted from him would push him greatly. But, I decided it was worth it.
I wanted him to start going to bed the same time as me. There would be no more late “party” nights. If he had to work late on the computer, I wanted him to do it in our bedroom at our desk. I wanted him to only use the computer during the time that the family was awake and in a place that everyone could see. Just this request alone made his movie watching and video gaming come to an end. This is because the movies he was watching and the games he was playing were not appropriate for children. Therefore, if he really wanted our marriage to recover, he would have to give these up.
I had other new boundaries as well. I wanted him to change how he lived his everyday life. I wanted him to make a commitment to never be alone with a woman. Furthermore, I did not want him to be overly friendly with women. I wanted him to promise to live a lifestyle where he was professional with women. This meant never going out of his way to talk to a woman. This has been a huge change for my husband. This is something that he is still working on. He has a naturally friendly, funny personality. He enjoys talking to everyone and making people laugh. However, this aspect is what led him to unfaithfulness. He naturally flirted with almost all women. I was not going to tolerate this any longer.
I knew that I was changing everything about my heart, mind, and marriage because of his hidden sin. This is why I knew he had to change the way he was living his life. These are just the first two main issues I brought up. I will continue to explain the other boundaries as well as consequences when boundaries are broken.
Before, I close this section, I want to share with you that these are issues that have taken us years to overcome. I am telling you that so that you do not lose hope. I also do not want you to think that any of this came easily for us. These issues were a great fight for our marriage. We worked hard to get through these tremendous trials in marriage. You will see, as I share each part of my story that none of this was easy or quick for either myself or my husband. Please, do not lose hope! Anything that is worth fighting for will take time and failure.
I am praying for all of you. If you have any questions or thoughts, please share them below. Additionally, it is not too late to join the secret group on Facebook. We are going to be starting a study on forgiveness. If you would like to join, please message me on Hopeful Wife Today.
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