Sharing My Story: Making Changes and Setting Boundaries

SharingMyStory

If you would like to read more about my story, please click here.

After going through the worst hurt I ever experienced in my life, I realized that I needed to make some changes. Before all this truth came out, I was very easy-going with my husband. If something made him happy, I did not mind it. One example is that he was starting to drink heavily. I never drank and did not agree with it. However, he found a way to persuade me into thinking it was not that bad. So, I let him do what he wanted. That is just one small example of how our marriage was.

However, after feeling the pain that night, I was finished with being easy-going. It was obvious that my husband did not regard me in any decisions he made. He carelessly did whatever he wanted. Even if we were “Christians”, he did not mind living a full life of sin.

This was when I started thinking about boundaries.

I think I became interested in the idea of boundaries because I was so shocked at the life my husband lived while married! I couldn’t imagine living such a life myself. I started wondering how he could possibly think all this was okay in marriage! When I accepted the full shock of his problems with lust, I realized all the other areas he was letting sin into our marriage. I saw that I was sitting down, letting all this happen, and not doing anything! As I started to become mad at myself, I began to make plans.

I really thought about the things my husband was doing that were causing me the most anguish and pain. I made up my mind that I would not tolerate them a moment longer. I would like to share some of them with you today. My hope is that it might give you courage to not let sin sit in your marriage.

My husband was drinking excessively. He was drinking whenever he wanted, even though he knew it upset me greatly. He was still going to bed late at night. Yes, we had filters on the computers. However, I knew there were still temptations. There are ways around filters. There are also other troubles that can be found if you are consistently up late at night when the family is sleeping. He was most of the time playing video games or watching movies. This whole pattern was starting to hurt me deeply. It was also making me angry. Why should I work hard towards reconciliation and forgiveness while he stays up half the night alone, drinking? It didn’t make sense.

Therefore, I set some hard boundaries. God led me to set these boundaries. God wanted to be in our marriage. He wanted to be in my husband’s heart. There would not be healing while my husband was living far away from God.

I explained to my husband what I wanted in our marriage if we were going to work toward restoration. My husband had told me many times that he would do “anything” to gain my trust and love back. I knew that what I wanted from him would push him greatly. But, I decided it was worth it.

I wanted him to start going to bed the same time as me. There would be no more late “party” nights. If he had to work late on the computer, I wanted him to do it in our bedroom at our desk. I wanted him to only use the computer during the time that the family was awake and in a place that everyone could see. Just this request alone made his movie watching and video gaming come to an end. This is because the movies he was watching and the games he was playing were not appropriate for children. Therefore, if he really wanted our marriage to recover, he would have to give these up.

I had other new boundaries as well. I wanted him to change how he lived his everyday life. I wanted him to make a commitment to never be alone with a woman. Furthermore, I did not want him to be overly friendly with women. I wanted him to promise to live a lifestyle where he was professional with women. This meant never going out of his way to talk to a woman. This has been a huge change for my husband. This is something that he is still working on. He has a naturally friendly, funny personality. He enjoys talking to everyone and making people laugh. However, this aspect is what led him to unfaithfulness. He naturally flirted with almost all women. I was not going to tolerate this any longer.

I knew that I was changing everything about my heart, mind, and marriage because of his hidden sin. This is why I knew he had to change the way he was living his life. These are just the first two main issues I brought up. I will continue to explain the other boundaries as well as consequences when boundaries are broken.

Before, I close this section, I want to share with you that these are issues that have taken us years to overcome. I am telling you that so that you do not lose hope. I also do not want you to think that any of this came easily for us. These issues were a great fight for our marriage. We worked hard to get through these tremendous trials in marriage. You will see, as I share each part of my story that none of this was easy or quick for either myself or my husband. Please, do not lose hope! Anything that is worth fighting for will take time and failure.

I am praying for all of you. If you have any questions or thoughts, please share them below. Additionally, it is not too late to join the secret group on Facebook. We are going to be starting a study on forgiveness. If you would like to join, please message me on Hopeful Wife Today.

Your first month is free at Covenant Eyes when you click here or on the e-book below.

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7 thoughts on “Sharing My Story: Making Changes and Setting Boundaries

  1. I’m working on understanding forgiveness and growing in this area with trust. Sign me up for your series on the subject.

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  2. I am wondering if there is another way besides facebook to be a part of your study. One of things we no longer participate in is social media that is a huge boundary and I put it on myself too.

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  3. I have read all of your posts and our stories have many similarities. It has been slow going but we are making progress thanks to my husband reading “Every Man’s Battle,” agreeing to meet with an accountability partner, using Covenant Eyes on all of our electronic devices, and his growing relationship with God. Having 2 teenagers is extra incentive for my husband because our daughter is fast approaching the age of the girls in porn. At one point I didn’t want my kids to ever know about this because I thought they would lose respect for both of us. But I have read that teens need to know the truth or they will make up a story for why Mom is so sad all the time and possibly blame themselves for the fighting. I’ve also read that your teens will be more comfortable coming to talk to you if you share your mistakes with them (we have told them many regrets but not this). I’m tired of making excuses like I’m just having a hormonal day when I’m crying (which is less now but I’m still struggling with anxiety, like walking with him in a mall past La Senza or if our family is watching a PG movie that has some seductive scenes). Since he has been doing well, I have asked my husband to tell our 13 & 15 year old the truth about his struggle, but after two years of hiding it from them, he is dragging his feet. He has had many opportunities as we have ongoing dialogue about sex and the dangers of the internet. I have forgiven him but I feel like I need him to tell them to help me fully heal. Do you, your husband, or anyone have an opinion on this?

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  4. Hi Dani,
    I understand your concern about Facebook. I would love to be able to have a forum or something like that on this site, but I am not able to have that at this point. Maybe we could form a group through e-mail? My e-mail is Hopefulwifetoday@gmail.com. If there are some interested in doing that, we can work something out.

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  5. Dear Anonymous,
    Thank you for all your thoughts. I haven’t had to deal with that as our children are young. So, I’ve only told them that we have had a few difficult years in marriage, but we are following God. My husband has also told our two oldest that he chose to not follow God for many years. He shared with them that he made many mistakes in his life and those mistakes hurt his family. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer about what to do when your children are older. I think it has to be something that you and your husband agree on. I do understand that you do not want to continue lying about why you are sad. If you are not both comfortable sharing specifically about the pornography, maybe you could start the conversation by explaining that there is sin in your marriage and many times it makes you feel sad. But, you are both following God to overcome the sin and restore your marriage. You might think of a better way to talk about that. But, this way, it keeps the sin personal if your husband does not want to share it with them. I think when my children are older and wanting to get married, we will talk with them freely. However, it is very difficult when they are younger. Maybe your husband does not want to share the specifics now, but will at a later time. I hope that helps you a little. I am praying for you as you are going through this time.

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  6. Pingback: God’s Plan When it’s Difficult | Hopeful Wife Today

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