There have been many difficult things for me since I discovered my husband’s pornography use. One of those things is taking care of myself.
I have been greatly encouraged by the blog CalmHealthySexy.com by Gaye Groover Christmus. She shares so many healthy ideas. Today she is going to share some of those ideas with our community.
I’m honored that Robi asked me to share some ideas with you, and I thank you for welcoming me into this place of prayer, respite and community. I know that many of you are dealing with very difficult circumstances in your marriages, and I am praying for you as I write this.
Women often find it difficult to take care of themselves. More than likely, you find yourself in that position too. Maybe all of your time and energy are consumed by caring for others, leaving little time or energy for you. Maybe you’re facing situations that just seem overwhelming, and self-care seems like an impossible luxury. Maybe you don’t even realize that your body, mind and spirit need some tender loving care. Or maybe you just don’t believe that you deserve it.
If that’s the case, the thing I want to say to you today is this: You are a beautiful and valuable daughter of the King. Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. You need and deserve to care for your body, mind and spirit. You are worth it.
I know it’s hard to care for yourself when you’re caring for your children, managing your home, homeschooling, working, and juggling other responsibilities. And when you add tremendous marriage stress to the mix, it may seem impossible.
Periodically, I try to give an update on how my marriage has been currently. I talk a lot about past struggles, but I think it’s also important to share where we are today.
If you would like to read my last update, please click here.
My husband decided to go to a counselor. I have been frequently asked if my husband goes to counseling or if he has an accountability partner. Many wonder why he does not have an accountability partner. I think he would personally like to have one. However, he has not met someone yet that he feels he can share the details of his life with.
Because of this, we decide it’s best to share our lives, thoughts, temptations, and struggles with each other. However, due to several reasons, he has started going to counseling weekly.
This prayer is for the wife who is looking for hope in the New Year.
Dear Holy God,
The New Year is coming. Only You, God, know what will happen in this year.
Only You, God, knew all that would happen in my life. And I know I do not want to repeat these events again.
I am coming to You, God, for a new prayer. I’ve had prayers of sorrow and anger. But, let this prayer be different.
Let this be a beautiful prayer of hope to my Holy God. I love You, God. And I trust You more than any other.
This prayer is for the wife who is discouraged by her husband’s past or present pornography use.
I am coming to You, Father, because I am discouraged. I am saddened by my husband’s pornography use. Many times I want to give up hope.
Often, it is hard to see and understand God’s plan in our circumstances. Many times I have had difficulty figuring out what God wanted from me. You can read more about my story here.
I hear from many wives wondering why their marriage has gone like this. They wonder why has God allowed this to happen in my life. They say, “why does my husband have to have this problem with pornography and lust?” I have wondered those same things many times.
I would like to start a new set of posts that help us meditate on scripture. When we are going through a crisis in marriage and seeking God to restore that marriage, it is essential that we are in the Word of God.
That is why I would like to focus on verses that bring us closer to God. Sometimes when you’re reading your Bible, a verse might stand out to you that just comforts your heart so greatly. This is when God is speaking to you.
Please read Psalm 9:10
And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; for You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You. (NKJV)
If you would like to read my story from the beginning and the reason why I am writing about this please see the Sharing My Story Page.
Sharing My Story: God’s Faithfulness in My Pain
After my husband told me the painful confession about his co-worker, I think I was in shock. I remember feeling thankful to God that he finally admitted some truth to me. However, I didn’t feel any pain for a few days. I think I was really just so shocked that my loving husband would actually pursue another woman. He really lived a true double life. I would like all of you to know that if this has happened in your marriage, I understand. I know that you never thought this would happen to you. I had honestly believed that we were in love and that my husband would never even look at another woman. Words cannot explain the shock that I was experiencing since the beginning of this journey.
After I felt this shock, I began to feel so very alone. My husband was the one that I went to with everything. He was my love and my best friend. And he had hurt me so deeply. Yes, he was very ashamed. He was very repentant. He felt very guilty. But, none of that changed how alone I felt. I didn’t know anyone I could talk to that would understand. I also looked for a website where women could connect with each other if they were experiencing this. That is why I know God is blessing this site. Almost every woman I have met through this site has told me how alone she feels in this. This is because the hurt is from the sin of our husbands. And that makes the pain more unbearable. Additionally, most women are too embarrassed to talk about this. It is a deep rejection.
We just got back from our family vacation. It was really nice to relax and spend time together. I had very limited internet access while I was away, which made it even more relaxing because I was able to do “nothing” and rest!
When I was able to read the comments on the last post, I thought of a few things. First, I was reminded that there are many wives who are deeply hurting. Like I do many times, they feel alone and scared. They have no idea what to do. Then, I thought of the main reason I started this site. It is and always will be:
Hope and Healing for Hurting Wives
This is a prayer for a wife who is following God to restore her marriage after discovering her husband’s pornography use or unfaithfulness.
Thank You so much for this chance to rebuild my marriage. I come to You today to pray for my husband. God, You know what we have been through. You know the pain and hurt we’ve experienced. And You are the only One that knows deep inside my heart.
You are also the only One that knows my husband’s heart. God, I try to know him and understand him, but really You are the only One that sees the heart.
That is why I am coming to You on behalf of my husband.
Today I am going to respond to some questions left on the Feedback From Readers Page.
This was the comment that one reader left:
I just found this website and I am SO BLESSED and thankful already and I have only spent a short time reading some of the entries and comments.
Is there any information on here about how to find SAFE PEOPLE at CHURCH? My husband and I were New Believers who joined a Small Group and most of the couples in the group were dealing with addiction by showing the men GRACE. I was incredibly frustrated and was given messages such as… “Just love your husband”… “Be the face of Christ”… “That’s his problem to deal with”… “I don’t ask him about that”, and my favorite… “We’re not going to deal with the Pornography Addiction when the real problem is the marriage”.
It was a large church so we went to the Area Director, Small Groups Pastor, and then a Lead Pastor. At every level we were met with invalidation, told our EXPECTATIONS were too high, and that the Small Group Leader and Group was SAFE. That it just wasn’t a good fit for us. I became the scapegoat really. I was in such a vulnerable place at the time that I started to believe that maybe I was the problem. It was awful and I was deeply hurt, and fought depression, extreme social anxiety, and a host of health issues. I felt unloved and unsafe in my marriage, in my family of origin, and the final blow… I felt unsafe at church.
It took 2 years to get back on my feet. When I say get back on my feet I mean I struggled to get out of bed, leave the house, and function without flashback and triggered thoughts pulling me under. It was scary. I thought I was going crazy. Depression medication barely made a dent. I was spiritually crushed. I had a lot of past stuff hitting at the same time, so there was a lot to sort through. I was hanging on by a thread, but the Lord didn’t let go of me.
I see a lot of recommendations on this website and others to contact a counselor or PASTOR… but when we did look to our church leaders… they did more harm than good. The leaders and pastors were not at all equipped or trained to handle addiction. It really set us both back.
How do we move forward after being “de-churched”? What do we need to look for moving forward, what are some questions we can ask?
I would first like to say that I think most people are very quiet on the issue of pornography in marriage. This is especially true in the “Christian” population. Many husbands and wives are afraid to bring up these problems in the church. Moreover, some marriages think the church is the last place they would go to for help with this. I truly believe that pornography in Christian marriages is a silent sin. It is something that no one wants to talk about and no one wants to confess. However, marriages are suffering. Because of this silence, people are alone and trapped.