I had a really nice childhood. I have to say that I truly love my dad. My dad never introduced lust into our home. I never really knew how much of a struggle lust is for men. My father treated me with respect my whole life and he still does. He’s been faithful to my mom his whole life. He never had pornography of any kind in our house. We didn’t have the internet or any adult channels on TV. I always assumed that men had complete control over this sin. I thought they easily chose whether to partake in it or not. Additionally, I never thought it was something that nice, Godly men would consume in secret. I guess I was pretty naive.
This is a post and prayer written by my husband:
As our weekend starts and we venture through the world going to work (if maybe we have a second job or work on the weekends), getting a cup of coffee at a local coffee shop, picking up supplies for a weekend project from the local hardware or auto-parts store, etc., Satan will try and get us. He wants us to look longer at what we shouldn’t be looking at, give a second glance to someone we shouldn’t, and take a step away from God. He wants us to build upon what we shouldn’t be thinking about in our mind and use those thoughts throughout the day. He wants us to talk too much, joke too much, and say things to other women other than our wife that our wife and our God would consider flirtatious.
A huge roadblock that came about during our restoration was being intimate. I am not talking about cuddling and holding hands. Although that could be troublesome as well. I am talking about sexual intimacy. There were a couple different factors that made this such an enormous problem. I think it’s really important to share this part of my story because many wives might be going through the same thing. I also get e-mails that specifically ask about this aspect. I also am sharing this because it is known that pornography interferes so much with intimacy in marriage. There are devastating consequences for both husbands and wives. It is truly sorrowful. However, if we fight through this time and rely on God, things can turn around!
My husband has been overcoming a lust and pornography addiction in the past three and a half years. He had this addiction for most of his life. There are times and situations that he is greatly tempted. Currently, he faces one of the worst situations at his second job. There are just so many temptations there. I would like to explain them all and also discuss how we work together to help this unavoidable circumstance.
If you’ve been following this site, you know how much I love the devotional Draw Close by Willard & Joyce Harley. My husband and I have read quite a few devotionals in the past couple of years. However, this one has really spoken to us the most. Typically, devotionals have short, encouraging messages. Each day in this devotional is short, but it is filled with solid, Godly marriage wisdom. I was shocked at the insight this books gives to couples. I had a hard time letting go of how much I wish we had studied this book early on in our marriage.
I would like to start a new post in which I periodically update everyone on how our marriage is going. This is so that I can openly share in a very real way how we’ve grown and also what we’re still working on. I also would like to use these posts to encourage all of you to update us on your life in the comments below. I pray that doing this will join us as a community of wives that are here for each other. I pray that it also helps hurting wives let go of some of that pain by sharing it with others who truly care. I thank God for each one of you. I am praying for you as you fight for your marriage.
Additionally, please check out the new page Ask My Husband.
I would have to say that the single most difficult thing for my husband is openness. I think it is this way with most men who are addicted to pornography. This is because the men that hide porn do so out of guilt and shame. Therefore, their whole life is wrapped around secrecy. Their wives do not truly know them at all. What we know is actually a fake version of our husbands. That is until we find out the truth.
I’ll never forget the first time my husband actually admitted he had a struggle. Previously, he had admitted failure, but he quickly brushed it off. He tried to convince me of a miraculous healing where he never had a single lustful thought again. Believe me, I do accept God’s amazing healing powers. However, I am not going to be deceived. I know that when a man is addicted to pornography for most of his life and suddenly quits, there will be set-backs, at least in thought.
I was tormenting myself one night by thinking of what was really going on in my husband’s life. I just knew, deep in my heart, that he still struggled sometimes. I ended up searching the internet. That is when I first found the Covenant Eyes website. I found so many great articles about lust and how it is all so difficult for a man. I really was trying to get to a point where I could at least understand why this was such a part of my husband’s life. I also found many great e-books for husbands and wives. I remember printing out about ten different things. I wanted to show them to my husband and try to have a conversation with him. I just really wanted him to open up to me.
After ten years of marriage, I discovered that my husband had a secret addiction to pornography. I was completely clueless about this addiction. After knowing that I wanted to stay married to him, I knew we had a lot of work to do in our marriage. Before this discovery I realized that we were living in a fake relationship. In other words, we were two broken people that kept our true selves hidden. We thought we were in love and that we had a wonderful marriage. However, underneath this, we were both suffering.
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If you are just starting, please check out Restoring Marriages Bible Study: Day 1.
Ephesians 6:10-18 (NKJV)
The Armor of God
10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,[a] against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. 14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; 18 praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints
Husbands and wives must start each day seeking God. Each day brings about its own struggles. We do not know what evil things will be thrown at us. We do not know what difficulties will arise in our life. We each have things that we struggle with internally. Without God guiding us through our entire day, we can have a difficult time getting through any of our trials.
I would like to share with you the book Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography by Jen Ferguson and Craig Ferguson. This book is such an open, honest account of a marriage that has been hurt by pornography. It goes through the authors lives as they seek God for healing. Continue reading