3 Things to Remember When Your Husband is Still Watching Porn

/ robismith

Hope3

There can be so much hurt in a marriage. There are times when there is a loss of hope. Many times readers will ask, “Yeah, but what if my husband is still watching porn?” This is a very hard question to answer.

Before we even attempt to look at this question, let’s pray together.

Dear God,

We thank You for being here right now. We know You are in every situation. God, some situations hurt so much and seem so hopeless. We are coming to You today to help us understand our husbands and our marriage. We know that You are the healer. We pray that You would bring healing to every hurting marriage.

We ask this In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

We May Never Understand

One thing that is always important to remember is that we will never truly understand why our husband is watching pornography. It is good to read all the information about why our husbands are tempted. One place that I learned a lot about this was from Covenant Eyes. I recommend that you learn about it too. There are also excellent books that help us learn why men are tempted. But, even if we read and learn all this, we most likely will not fully understand.

Only God Knows the Heart

This is something I try to dwell on for many things in life. A major thing is when I think about the choices my husband makes. We usually get emotional and judgmental when we’ve been hurt. It is almost impossible to stop and see the other person’s perspective. However, when we are deeply hurt, we need to remember that only God knows the heart. My husband might tell me many things and I might assume many things, but really only God knows someones heart. God is the only one who will ever fully understand you and the only one who will ever fully understand your husband. Think about that for a moment. So, when you are feeling so upset and thinking about how hurt you are, you should stop for a minute. Realize that even though you are so deeply hurt, there are other things happening in the situation that only God can understand. Then, you have to trust in God.

Some Things Take Time

This has probably been the hardest point for me to accept. I thought when my husband was “caught” the first time, he would immediately stop. This was so far from the truth. There were years that followed where we dealt with lust and sin one step at a time. I would often cry to God asking Him how this process could take so long! I think God answered me through my husband because when I was getting very frustrated, he had often said, “Everything can’t change overnight.” This is the truth. Someone who is stuck in enormous sin cannot be clear of everything without going through a healing process. It seems to me that people forget this. If I could give you something that I’ve learned it would be to hold close to God and be willing to watch your marriage heal over time. Over time is so important because it will take awhile for broken pieces to be changed, healed,and restored.

It is my prayer that some of these thoughts will help you when you are hurting. Please know that God is with you and walking with you each step of this path. When you are hopeless, meditate on Jeremiah 29:11:

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (NKJV)

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9 thoughts on “3 Things to Remember When Your Husband is Still Watching Porn”

  1. My husband was into porn since he was a small child so when he asked me to marry him he also told me about his struggle with porn. I got married knowing I was in a battle from the start. I have supported him, respected him and loved him from the beginning 7 years ago to now. We have talked and tried to work through this many times. He has grown so much and we are closer now than ever before. He has covenant eyes on all of our personal computers. But it seems that every time there is a chance to sneak porn under the radar he takes it. I have not talked to anyone about this but I can’t keep doing this alone. How long is the change going to take? I have given up so much to try to make our marriage stay together but I feel like I’ve lost who I am. Do I do what I feel I need to do to be an individual again? Or do I need to keep pressing on? I love him and will stay with him through thick and thin.

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  2. Hi Andi,
    Thank you for bravely sharing what’s going on in your marriage. It can be really hard to take this step. And I welcome you to this site. There are many who are praying. You are definitely an encouragement for all that you’ve done to follow God in your marriage. I can’t really answer what you should do. Only God can show you that. I can only tell you the things that have helped my marriage. One thing that I always suggest is to have a time each day where you read the Bible, pray over your marriage, and talk. During the talking time, it’s important to share about your day and any struggles either of you have gone through. This has helped my marriage a lot because instead of my husband turning to sin for escape he has started to open up his heart and release the stress that way. Over time we also started reading Devotionals and other inspirational marriage books. A wonderful devotional is Draw Close. Many women also find it helpful to speak with a Christian Counselor specifically trained in this area. I hope that some of this will help you. I am praying for you. God bless you.

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  4. Andi,
    I don’t think anyone can give you *your* answer, but like Robi said, we can tell you what we have done. It is good that there is a filter, however, after many, many counseling times over my 20 years of marriage, I have been told that although boundaries are good (and needed), they are temporary (well, some like filters should remain) as the boundaries need to come from the heart. I learned a ton from Covenant Eyes. Did you know they have a blog? Lots of great articles to read. After reading them, my thoughts were confirmed that my husband was *not* repentant. He would say he was sorry all the live long day, BUT he wouldn’t take responsibility and go about making the changes HIMSELF. If you are the one telling your husband what steps he should be taking (or he is asking you to tell him, like mine did), then you have one unrepentant husband on your hands. If that is the case then no amount of boundaries are going to work, he WILL find a way to get around them.

    My husband and I have just started going to Celebrate Recovery. They have a 12 step program for anyone with any hurt, hang up, or habit (that is pretty much anyone), no matter what it is: drugs, eating disorders, anger, sexual addiction, etc. Although, in MY case, and I do stress the “MY” part, I had to ask my husband to leave. It was beyond unbearable to have him keep acting like he was, all the while exclaiming that he was a changed man. I can assure you he was not! Although many people do not agree with what I did, it was the wake up call that he needed. I mean, after 20 years this porn thing was a game. I found out, was upset, he ‘allowed’ me to be upset for 2 days, he would profess his sorrow over it all, make some very, very small change ( for him, this was only to give me the ‘look’ of repentance, and he has confessed to doing so), we make up, go on with life, wash rinse repeat…any changes he made would last at the very most 6 weeks. But after some of our kids seeing this, and him recently losing his job because of it all (we have 8 kids, one with medical needs), well time was not on our side. At the going rate he may have changed and gotten out of porn within possibly the next 300 years.

    I love that Robi was able to have devotionals with her husband. My hubby feels that he is a Bible scholar and anything he read went to his head, not his heart. We had tried the devotional route quite a few times, it always ended with him cutting apart the devotional, and where the author was wrong with their take on the scripture, etc. So, do take YOUR husband into account. Every situation is different. I even did the “How to be His Helpmeet” study, and it was a **disaster**!!! My husband became 10 times worse!! It was years later that I have read story after story of the same thing happening to other women. We are not cookie cutters, and my formula will not work for everyone.

    I know, at least from reading Covenant Eyes, that it is a MUST that this sin be exposed, and NOT just to you. Now, my husband has had many accountability partners, so that doesn’t always work, especially if your husband is not really on board with the idea. Your husband has to want to change. Mine would just lie to his accountability partner. For mine, he wanted to move past all of this and lead a ‘normal’ life. He has finally, finally learned that he will NEVER have a “normal” life, nor will your husband. This is a battle that our husbands have to fight for the rest of their lives. They most certainly can have victory, BUT they will always have to fight off temptation and be on the look out for those tripping points.

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. I pray that you will find a way to navigate through this trial. Pray, pray, pray (that is one thing I didn’t always do! But it is a must!)

    Blessings,
    Kerri

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  5. Thanks Kerri! I have been praying and thinking a lot lately. I don’t want to be an enabler but sometimes I feel like maybe I am without meaning to be? You have been such a help. Especially with the ‘normal life’ part. I just wish I could help him see that. Thanks again!

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  6. Andi if the Lord was to take your husband tonight he would not be inheriting the Kingdom of heaven scripture is quite clear about that. You cannot serve two masters. You need to understand that pornography is idol worship-satan worship. You are letting him have his cake and eating it. Please check out our website at http://www.gen3x.org to fully understand what scripture terms pornography. You can’t fool about with this . You have to be more aggressive than it is, pornography is dragging your husband to hell right in front of your eyes. It isn’t waiting for you to turn your back to stab you. It’s doing it straight in front of your face. It is mocking your marriage and relationsip both with God and your husband. I struggled with this for yrs it ruined everything. Once the holy spirit allows you to see what pornograhy is through his eyes it will leave you no choice but to do something– you will not remain passive if you love your husband.
    Girvan

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  7. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Ahhhhhhhh…. such a relief to hear I’m not alone.

    My husband has made many empty promises, short term changes, and continued to avoid REPENTENCE. It seems that with this problem, also comes a deep rooted problem with lying, manipulating, and avoiding responsibility. BOUNDARIES appeared to help, but only temporarily until we reached strike 3 and the consequence was moving in with his mother until he worked his own program.
    Considering I was struggling with deep depression and anxiety by this point, I was scared to death to set this boundary, afraid he wouldn’t try, afraid our marriage would end. I was not ready to LET GO and not sure if I could handle being a single parent, especially since I have been a stay-at-home mom with no career in place. Well, staying in our marriage was destroying me and was doing tremendous damage to the well being of our CHILDREN. Enough is enough. GOD… I’m done getting in your way. He is yours. Currently, my husband is making effort. It is too soon to tell if he will be consistent. However, I am cautiously optimistic. It hurts to have hope, but I choose to HOPE and remember that no matter what happens… I’m safe in Christ. I can trust in the Lord.

    This is the one area the BIBLE makes an exception, gives us a choice. We do not have to stay in a marriage with a man that is unfaithful. Why? Maybe because this sin destroys us from the inside out, devastates families, and is not Gods plan for marriages. I want to stay in our marriage. I understand that what my husband is struggling with is deep rooted and not ‘who he is’. However, loving him means saying I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS. He has a responsibility to God, to me, and his children to get help… I am willing to fight right along with him, assuming he is WILLING to fight his own battle. I have no control over this, no control over him.

    I pray for the Lord to give my husband wisdom, courage, and self-control. I also pray that I learn to show myself Love & Respect while showing him the same…. even though many days I would rather throw something or scream and cry.

    Praying healing for our marriages and families!!!

    GB

    ————————————–
    Great book that I highly recommend reading that discusses Forgiveness, Trust, Repentence, and Amends… WORTHY OF HER TRUST

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  8. GB,
    Thank you for your thoughts! I am praying for you and thank you for your faithful prayers also. That is a wonderful book! I will be adding it to Books to grow your marriage. Thanks for the suggestion!

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  9. Pingback: Hope and Healing | Hopeful Wife Today

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