My Personal Story: Distant

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I’ve always been an emotional and sensitive person. I never looked forward to the time right after having a baby. One time after delivery, I was very happy and adjusted easily into caring for a newborn. However, with two of my children, I was very overwhelmed and found my days trying and daunting. I was nervous to have this fourth baby because I didn’t know what to expect. With having so many mixed-up feelings inside, how would I do with the onslaught of hormones that come after delivery?

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Covenant Eyes

Covenant Eyes is an internet filtering program. I have Covenant Eyes in my house on our phones, iPad, and computer. I ended up choosing Covenant Eyes for several reasons. First, I will explain how we came about having internet filtering,

When I first found out that my husband had been watching pornography regularly, I no longer had ease in my house. I knew we had many ways to get on the internet and I was not always right there “watching”. I was very upset when I knew I would be going to bed early or going somewhere. I always thought in the back of my head, “what if he is still watching pornography?” I could no longer trust his word, so I really never knew if he was or was not. I was deeply saddened to think that I could not ask my husband such as simple question as, “what were you doing on the internet?” and receive an honest answer.

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One Wife’s Question

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A wife e-mailed me the following question. I thought I would post it because I believe many women who come here may be feeling the same thing. My answer follows. I welcome anyone to share their thoughts.

Thank you for sharing your story. May I ask a question, if you don’t mind? What causes you to fight for your marriage? My husband  has been having a problem with porn on and off all of the 10 years of our marriage. I catch him, he stops for about a year and goes back to it. At this point I no longer want my marriage. I’m tired of his lies and selfishness. He disgusts me. Just the thought of his lustful desire to look at these images causes me to have no desire for him. I have no respect for him and truly feel as if he is the worst person on earth for continuously hurting me like this. I feel only an evil, and cold hearted person does that. I don’t have a single positive feeling toward him at all at this point.

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Loneliness

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After my husband decided we were going to be silent about his past pornography addiction, we went on as usual with our life. Shortly after, I became pregnant with our fourth child. We were ecstatic and felt very blessed. I was excited because it gave me a new focus after being in such sorrow. However, it did not change the fact that my husband and I never talked about any of the hard issues.

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