This is a prayer for a wife who is following God to restore her marriage after discovering her husband’s pornography use or unfaithfulness.
Thank You so much for this chance to rebuild my marriage. I come to You today to pray for my husband. God, You know what we have been through. You know the pain and hurt we’ve experienced. And You are the only One that knows deep inside my heart.
You are also the only One that knows my husband’s heart. God, I try to know him and understand him, but really You are the only One that sees the heart.
That is why I am coming to You on behalf of my husband.
Today I am going to respond to some questions left on the Feedback From Readers Page.
This was the comment that one reader left:
I just found this website and I am SO BLESSED and thankful already and I have only spent a short time reading some of the entries and comments.
Is there any information on here about how to find SAFE PEOPLE at CHURCH? My husband and I were New Believers who joined a Small Group and most of the couples in the group were dealing with addiction by showing the men GRACE. I was incredibly frustrated and was given messages such as… “Just love your husband”… “Be the face of Christ”… “That’s his problem to deal with”… “I don’t ask him about that”, and my favorite… “We’re not going to deal with the Pornography Addiction when the real problem is the marriage”.
It was a large church so we went to the Area Director, Small Groups Pastor, and then a Lead Pastor. At every level we were met with invalidation, told our EXPECTATIONS were too high, and that the Small Group Leader and Group was SAFE. That it just wasn’t a good fit for us. I became the scapegoat really. I was in such a vulnerable place at the time that I started to believe that maybe I was the problem. It was awful and I was deeply hurt, and fought depression, extreme social anxiety, and a host of health issues. I felt unloved and unsafe in my marriage, in my family of origin, and the final blow… I felt unsafe at church.
It took 2 years to get back on my feet. When I say get back on my feet I mean I struggled to get out of bed, leave the house, and function without flashback and triggered thoughts pulling me under. It was scary. I thought I was going crazy. Depression medication barely made a dent. I was spiritually crushed. I had a lot of past stuff hitting at the same time, so there was a lot to sort through. I was hanging on by a thread, but the Lord didn’t let go of me.
I see a lot of recommendations on this website and others to contact a counselor or PASTOR… but when we did look to our church leaders… they did more harm than good. The leaders and pastors were not at all equipped or trained to handle addiction. It really set us both back.
How do we move forward after being “de-churched”? What do we need to look for moving forward, what are some questions we can ask?
I would first like to say that I think most people are very quiet on the issue of pornography in marriage. This is especially true in the “Christian” population. Many husbands and wives are afraid to bring up these problems in the church. Moreover, some marriages think the church is the last place they would go to for help with this. I truly believe that pornography in Christian marriages is a silent sin. It is something that no one wants to talk about and no one wants to confess. However, marriages are suffering. Because of this silence, people are alone and trapped.
We’ve been discussing thoughts several times recently. We looked at a question from a wife who had troubling thoughts. Then, I talked about what we think about in an Update on My Marriage and the recent Restoring Marriages Bible Study. Many readers also commented on how they struggle with these thoughts as well. Someone even brought up how current events can make us remember the bad things that have happened. Then we get stuck and dwell on them. This is one issue that seems to be so difficult for every wife who finds out about her husband’s secrets. That is why I thought I would continue with this topic.
I decided that this would be a good time to give an update on my marriage. If you are new to this site, I have started giving periodic updates. The first update was here if you missed it. I started this because it is an open and honest way to share how my husband and I are currently doing with rebuilding our marriage. I had started this site so that I could share my story of discovering my husband’s pornography use. But, I came to realize that it’s important to share where we are currently and how we are struggling or growing.
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage is written by Sheila Wray Gregoire. It is an excellent book for any marriage. It contains new thoughts that can revolutionize the way many women think about their marriages. Sheila is the founder of the blog To Love, Honor, and Vacuum. Many times her posts have helped me in my marriage. Her perspective and wisdom on so many marriage topics is a true gift from God. I recommend all of her books.
Today, I would like to explain how one of the thoughts in her book changed my entire marriage. The thought is:
“I’m called to be a peacemaker, not a peacekeeper.”
Sheila explains how many women think that they are supposed to keep the peace in the marriage by agreeing with their husbands on the outside, but hurting deeply on the inside. In a way they think they have to let their husbands have their way with everything just to keep him happy and have a peaceful home. But, this isn’t real peace and in the end it is destruction.
This way of thinking led to many problems in my own marriage.
Sharing My Story: The Sad Truth
This is a part of our story that still hurts today. If I think about it I can still feel the deep pain from that day. However, I feel it’s important to share it. I’d like you all to know exactly how our story unraveled. God has brought redemption and restoration to our marriage. But, that doesn’t mean that we haven’t been through a lot of hurt. I think sometimes people assume that when we follow God, we shouldn’t feel hurt. That is not true at all. Most of you know that in marriage there is a lot of hurt. The saddest part to me is that my love story really was never true. I wasn’t my husband’s only one. And this truth can crush you with pain. It’s something that we experience as wives when our husbands choose this path. That is why we have to turn to something higher. That is why we have to trust in God and accept God’s love for us. He is the only one that can love us perfectly.
I just created a new page called Sharing My Story. It contains the links to each part of my story in order. I hope that makes it more convenient if you are just started reading or if you would like to read anything again.
This is a post written by my husband for your husband. You can read a prayer written by him here. You can also check out the Ask My Husband page. Additionally, there is a new post for the Restoring Marriages Bible Study so that you can find all the days on one post.
Cleansing Your Mind: For Husbands
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy- meditate on these things.(NKJV)
Image after image after image followed by more images. Why won’t they go away? I just want to follow you God. I promise this is the last time I act on these images.
One reason I started Hopeful Wife Today was to share my story. I believe that when we share our stories to other hurting wives two things happen. One, we are releasing the hurt that is inside of us. Two, we are helping others to not feel so alone. I believe God wants us to open up our hearts in order to unite with others who are going through similar things. If you would like to read other stories from women who have bravely opened up their hearts check out the page Personal Stories. If you feel God leading you to share your story, please do so on that page.
If you have missed parts of my story and would like to start at the beginning, please see Discovery. This is an ongoing topic where I will be sharing important parts of my marriage starting three and a half years ago. That was when I first found out my husband was addicted to pornography. I’ll be sharing our story until I get to where we currently are. After that, I’ll be writing updates on how our marriage is presently.
Thank you to all who are following. I pray that you may find some hope in my story.
Sharing My Story: I Didn’t Believe My Husband
A thought entered my mind that I could not get rid of. He’s not telling me everything. I never questioned before that he wasn’t telling me the truth. But, now, it just wouldn’t go away! No matter how I tried to get away from it, I could only hear one loud message. My husband was hiding things from me.
I have had so many various emotions after discovering my husband was addicted to pornography three years ago.
- I had times of sadness and depression that would last for days. I was often confused and hopeless.
- Then there were times when I was thankful and happy that God led me to this discovery. I was joyful and blessed that my marriage was being restored.
- I was excited, at times, that my husband was becoming a new man.
But, the emotion that I feared the most—because it had total control of me, was anger.
Continue reading this on Covenant Eyes
I had a really nice childhood. I have to say that I truly love my dad. My dad never introduced lust into our home. I never really knew how much of a struggle lust is for men. My father treated me with respect my whole life and he still does. He’s been faithful to my mom his whole life. He never had pornography of any kind in our house. We didn’t have the internet or any adult channels on TV. I always assumed that men had complete control over this sin. I thought they easily chose whether to partake in it or not. Additionally, I never thought it was something that nice, Godly men would consume in secret. I guess I was pretty naive.