If you would like to read more about my story, please click here.
After going through the worst hurt I ever experienced in my life, I realized that I needed to make some changes. Before all this truth came out, I was very easy-going with my husband. If something made him happy, I did not mind it. One example is that he was starting to drink heavily. I never drank and did not agree with it. However, he found a way to persuade me into thinking it was not that bad. So, I let him do what he wanted. That is just one small example of how our marriage was.
However, after feeling the pain that night, I was finished with being easy-going. It was obvious that my husband did not regard me in any decisions he made. He carelessly did whatever he wanted. Even if we were “Christians”, he did not mind living a full life of sin.
This was when I started thinking about boundaries.
If you would like to read my story from the beginning and the reason why I am writing about this please see the Sharing My Story Page.
Sharing My Story: God’s Faithfulness in My Pain
After my husband told me the painful confession about his co-worker, I think I was in shock. I remember feeling thankful to God that he finally admitted some truth to me. However, I didn’t feel any pain for a few days. I think I was really just so shocked that my loving husband would actually pursue another woman. He really lived a true double life. I would like all of you to know that if this has happened in your marriage, I understand. I know that you never thought this would happen to you. I had honestly believed that we were in love and that my husband would never even look at another woman. Words cannot explain the shock that I was experiencing since the beginning of this journey.
After I felt this shock, I began to feel so very alone. My husband was the one that I went to with everything. He was my love and my best friend. And he had hurt me so deeply. Yes, he was very ashamed. He was very repentant. He felt very guilty. But, none of that changed how alone I felt. I didn’t know anyone I could talk to that would understand. I also looked for a website where women could connect with each other if they were experiencing this. That is why I know God is blessing this site. Almost every woman I have met through this site has told me how alone she feels in this. This is because the hurt is from the sin of our husbands. And that makes the pain more unbearable. Additionally, most women are too embarrassed to talk about this. It is a deep rejection.
Sharing My Story: The Sad Truth
This is a part of our story that still hurts today. If I think about it I can still feel the deep pain from that day. However, I feel it’s important to share it. I’d like you all to know exactly how our story unraveled. God has brought redemption and restoration to our marriage. But, that doesn’t mean that we haven’t been through a lot of hurt. I think sometimes people assume that when we follow God, we shouldn’t feel hurt. That is not true at all. Most of you know that in marriage there is a lot of hurt. The saddest part to me is that my love story really was never true. I wasn’t my husband’s only one. And this truth can crush you with pain. It’s something that we experience as wives when our husbands choose this path. That is why we have to turn to something higher. That is why we have to trust in God and accept God’s love for us. He is the only one that can love us perfectly.
I just created a new page called Sharing My Story. It contains the links to each part of my story in order. I hope that makes it more convenient if you are just started reading or if you would like to read anything again.
One reason I started Hopeful Wife Today was to share my story. I believe that when we share our stories to other hurting wives two things happen. One, we are releasing the hurt that is inside of us. Two, we are helping others to not feel so alone. I believe God wants us to open up our hearts in order to unite with others who are going through similar things. If you would like to read other stories from women who have bravely opened up their hearts check out the page Personal Stories. If you feel God leading you to share your story, please do so on that page.
If you have missed parts of my story and would like to start at the beginning, please see Discovery. This is an ongoing topic where I will be sharing important parts of my marriage starting three and a half years ago. That was when I first found out my husband was addicted to pornography. I’ll be sharing our story until I get to where we currently are. After that, I’ll be writing updates on how our marriage is presently.
Thank you to all who are following. I pray that you may find some hope in my story.
Sharing My Story: I Didn’t Believe My Husband
A thought entered my mind that I could not get rid of. He’s not telling me everything. I never questioned before that he wasn’t telling me the truth. But, now, it just wouldn’t go away! No matter how I tried to get away from it, I could only hear one loud message. My husband was hiding things from me.
A huge roadblock that came about during our restoration was being intimate. I am not talking about cuddling and holding hands. Although that could be troublesome as well. I am talking about sexual intimacy. There were a couple different factors that made this such an enormous problem. I think it’s really important to share this part of my story because many wives might be going through the same thing. I also get e-mails that specifically ask about this aspect. I also am sharing this because it is known that pornography interferes so much with intimacy in marriage. There are devastating consequences for both husbands and wives. It is truly sorrowful. However, if we fight through this time and rely on God, things can turn around!
Once my husband finally admitted to me that he did indeed have a problem with lust, I knew I could start to help him. I was obviously deeply sad and regretful that what I knew all along was true. However, I was more excited than sad. I knew that God was confirming what I already knew anyhow. It’s just hard to hear it, even when you know it’s true.
That’s why I decided to place my trust in God. I knew God was leading me in this direction. I knew completely that God wanted to use me to help my husband be open with me. I know I’ve said so many times that honesty and openness is truly my husband’s greatest struggle. And at that point it was obvious that it was coming between him and God and him and me.
So, I placed my hurt feelings in God’s hands. I tried with all my strength to just understand why lust and pornography is such a problem for men and not to only react personally. The truth is, we never will fully understand this struggle that men have. We just can’t. We’re not made that way. And we have to come to the point where we accept that we won’t understand it. We have to know that God understands it and that’s all that really matters.
I would have to say that the single most difficult thing for my husband is openness. I think it is this way with most men who are addicted to pornography. This is because the men that hide porn do so out of guilt and shame. Therefore, their whole life is wrapped around secrecy. Their wives do not truly know them at all. What we know is actually a fake version of our husbands. That is until we find out the truth.
I’ll never forget the first time my husband actually admitted he had a struggle. Previously, he had admitted failure, but he quickly brushed it off. He tried to convince me of a miraculous healing where he never had a single lustful thought again. Believe me, I do accept God’s amazing healing powers. However, I am not going to be deceived. I know that when a man is addicted to pornography for most of his life and suddenly quits, there will be set-backs, at least in thought.
I was tormenting myself one night by thinking of what was really going on in my husband’s life. I just knew, deep in my heart, that he still struggled sometimes. I ended up searching the internet. That is when I first found the Covenant Eyes website. I found so many great articles about lust and how it is all so difficult for a man. I really was trying to get to a point where I could at least understand why this was such a part of my husband’s life. I also found many great e-books for husbands and wives. I remember printing out about ten different things. I wanted to show them to my husband and try to have a conversation with him. I just really wanted him to open up to me.
After I explained to my husband the hurting I was still feeling inside, noting really changed in our marriage. We were still two people living together, but never really connecting to each other. I started to doubt God and all His promises. I wondered day after day why I was in such a lonely marriage. I really wanted to know why my marriage ended up this way. I had loved my husband so much for eleven years of marriage. And there I was taking care of a fourth newborn! I was exhausted. I was totally worn out. But, I really never could sleep at night. I would lie awake thinking about my life and wondering what happened. Continue reading
I haven’t posted about My Personal Story in awhile so if you’ve just started reading it, the first part starts with Discovery. I realized that I didn’t post about this for so long because it is the hardest thing that I write about on here. However, it’s very important to me that I share my own story. It is the main reason that I started this site. I wanted to share with other women who are deeply hurting how my marriage got from brokenness to restored. I also encourage everyone to share their stories as well. I believe this helps us to heal. First, it’s helpful to read how others have struggled or what they have learned. It’s also healing for us to be able to verbalize what we faced. As we do this, we can release it a little more. Then, we can pray for each other. There are just so many benefits from sharing our story with each other. So, I am encouraging you today, if you would like to share your story, please do! You can do that on this page, on the Personal Stories page, or as a guest post.
I had made up my mind that I was going to talk with my husband about how much I was still suffering. We hadn’t actually talked about his addiction to pornography for a year! I don’t know about anyone else, but for me that was torture. I had so many questions and wanted to share so much with my husband, but how could I if this was completely off limits in our marriage? And how could I bridge that gap? I couldn’t bridge that gap, but God could.
I’ve always been an emotional and sensitive person. I never looked forward to the time right after having a baby. One time after delivery, I was very happy and adjusted easily into caring for a newborn. However, with two of my children, I was very overwhelmed and found my days trying and daunting. I was nervous to have this fourth baby because I didn’t know what to expect. With having so many mixed-up feelings inside, how would I do with the onslaught of hormones that come after delivery?