There are many different things that I write about. However, I cannot write about the male perspective. I only know my own experience and the things that my husband has shared with me. So, if you have a specific question that you would like my husband to answer, please write in the comments below and he will answer. Also, if you have any questions about his journey during our restoration, you can ask that also. Lastly, if you are a husband that is on this journey and you are deeply struggling, please leave your comments or questions below.
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We are seriously struggling after being married for 13 years and having multiple findings of this secret sin. The last 20 months have been the worst in our marriage b/c I have finally said I cannot allow this to continue in our marriage. We cannot grow from this if we’re not willing to see it through. So, my questions are also comments. This secret addiction while it use to be the BIG elephant in the room; it was tucked away in it’s own compartment, alone. Now, it has so very much hindered our communication in all areas. I doubt and fear everything. I am anxious about his thoughts, actions, what he’s doing at work, if he’s really trying to overcome this. He feels like a lustful fantasy is wrong but he doesn’t see anything wrong with a “glance at a pretty girl with a cute figure walking by” even though he knows it hurts me deeply. Thoughts on this?
I also have struggled these last 20 months b/c while he feels like I want to drum up the same ole’ conversation, I feel like the conversation never happens. I feel like he doesn’t want to journey this alongside me and allow me to be his help-mate. He thinks I want to control it all and I feel like I have no control at all. I feel like I have lost myself in this chaotic mess and that all he desires is a “happy wife act like e/thing is okay” … I am slowly dying inside and my biggest struggle is because this past 20 months have been so bad that when this happens again, it will be kept secret b/c of the hell we’re living in now.
I know these are just rambled thoughts and I desire to know more about your journey as a husband since my husband won’t allow me to be a part of his…and I choose to remain anonymous. Thank you!
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Anonymous 17,
The only way I’m successful is by listening to the Holy Spirit guide me throughout my day. I cannot, under any circumstances, turn around to watch a woman “with a pretty figure” walking. My success started when I ended using pornography completely. This was the “head of the giant” and, with God as my guide, I cut it off. Without God, specifically listening to the Holy Spirit, I would still be looking at pornography once in a while, asking God to forgive me, and moving on until the next time whether it’s a day, week, month, or year. See, when I wasn’t listening to the Holy Spirit, I believed I had the power to quit. I will never have the power, I will pray for your husband because I understand his struggle. Specifically I will pray that he listens to God, truly listens to God, acknowledging that he’ll never have the power to beat this disgusting, horrific habit, alone.
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My husband has been caught looking at porn 2 times. Each time when I asked him why he couldn’t answer me. I wanted to know if I wasn’t giving him something he needed or if I wasn’t what he wanted. I confided in my friend and she said maybe I am searching for something that isn’t there. Maybe he doesn’t know why. He has cried his eyes out this last time because I told him this was it. And it is. I will leave. I will not fight. I am fighting a battle all my own and he knows that. I don’t have the strength to fight satan for two people. I barely have it to fight him for myself.
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Being a faithful follower of Satan for many years, faking that I was a man of God, there existed one temptation Satan could consistently use to keep me on his side: lust. My wife did everything I wanted, emotionally and physically, but I continued to lust for other women through pornography. I had a horrific, disgusting, addiction that directly affected my relationship with my wife.
Proverbs 4:25-27 commands us to:
Let your eyes look straight ahead,
And your eyelids look right before
you.
Ponder the path of your feet,
And let all your ways be established.
Do not turn to the right or the left;
Remove your foot from evil.
There are two mandatory steps to take. The first step is to talk to God each morning, prior to going out into the world. This is not easy because Satan does everything to keep us out of God’s Word and away from conversing with God. However, God is stronger and we can beat this as men. Ask your husband to read the Bible daily, prior to leaving the house, only a chapter to start in a book of his choice. I started with John because it was the last account of Christ’s life prior to the writings of Paul. After reading, ask your husband to say a prayer that God will guide him throughout the day, keeping him from pornography. My favorite verses are Ephesians 6:11 and Proverbs 5:15-19.
Next, your husband must cut the head off of his lust by eliminating pornography from his life. I tried so many times and failed because I’d look at pornography, feel guilty, say a prayer and ask for forgiveness, and promise I wouldn’t do it again. Next day, failure. Again and again and again. I wasn’t listening to the Holy Spirit guide me step-by-step. I was trying to be in charge. I’m not in charge. I will fail every time. God is in charge. I must just listen and follow. I will pray for your husband because I’ve been where he is and know his struggle.
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Hello, First of all, thank you so much for being transparent with your struggles. It can’t be easy but it gives me so much hope for my own husband and my marriage.
I recently found out my husband was watching porn, going to strip clubs, flirting with women and hanging out with them solo and even had phone numbers to strippers on his phone. He says he never cheated and the amount of porn I found leads me to believe him that he is not addicted to it. After finding the initial porn links and going throughout his phone, I went through every email account he had and even used recovery programs to view previous phone back ups and found a lot of things he was not honest about. I also found porn links on his previous phone which shows me that this has been going on for a while.
My question is about openness. How do I get my husband to be open and honest with me? I want him to come clean and tell me everything. What does he have to lose at this point? I’m already hurt and disillusioned. Even though he knows I did all those searches, I found some things that I have not told him I know about. I am waiting for him to be honest but he just won’t talk. Whenever I ask him about stuff, he just gets angry and says anything to not answer the question. He just says that he is doing the right thing now and that should be enough. In his defense, he has been doing better. He let me put internet controls, he stopped going to work parties, he’s spending more time with me and the kids, etc. I’ve also worked on things that he felt I was lacking and I find that its a joy to do so. But how can I make him understand that I need this for closure and to begin open communication in the present about his problems with lust that will help secure a future for our marriage? If we can’t talk openly, I am afraid that we are just going to fall back into our old patterns and our marriage isn’t going to grow. I don’t think he understands the pain I am going through and that I so desperately want to get past it and heal my heart. I don’t want to “attack” him with my communication but sometimes it seems like it is the only way I can be heard. If he can’t be honest about his past, how can I expect him to be honest in the future?
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Thanks for the questions. Nothing is tougher than admitting our failure, especially when it directly affects our spouse. However, this is not the correct thought pattern we should have. Why do I find it easier to confess my sins to God, through Jesus Christ who lives within me, than tell my wife, a woman God, himself, made for me? We’re afraid of the response we may receive from our wives, but when we let it out, it’s like breathing for the first time. It’s a freeing experience for the man, but for my wife, as I leaked each event out, it was a sledgehammer to her heart. We are rebuilding now that I’ve confessed my deepest sins, but it takes a lot of time. As a man, I must pay consequences for my sins. I want to walk the walk of a good Christian husband and not look the second time, make the flirtatious joke, etc. I want to live this way for God and my wife.
As for getting angry when the past comes up or certain events are not confessed until days, weeks, or years later, it’s natural for us as men. I’m currently reading a phenomenal book about anger entitled Overcoming Emotions that Destroy: Practical Help for Those Angry Feelings that Ruin Relationships by Chip Ingram and Dr. Becca Johnson, and am learning that anger is a secondary emotion. The root cause of our anger is our embarrassment, guilt, and disgust at ourselves. We just want it all to go away and regain the trust of our wives and move on. Please just give the trust again and I’ll behave, be a great Christian husband, and treat you right. Unfortunately, that’s not possible because I have to face these consequences and remain accountable to my wife. I want the internet to have a filter. I want to remove all of the R-rated movies from my personal collection if they contain nudity. I want to be pure in my heart because I know our relationship will flourish in the ways God wants it to.
As for getting your husband to open up and talk honestly to you, disclosing the good and the bad, I recommend praying to God that He will lead your husband to open up. In addition, you and your husband can pray about this together. It’s the first step to having an open relationship, for without God, no relationship is open.
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I knew that my husband looked at porn here and there…When our now 12 year old was just a newborn I caught him once or twice. I told him I didnt like it and shrugged it off thinking most men did it and he wouldn’t do it much anymore. He has also gone to strip clubs with friends and lied to me about it, but again I passed it off as something most men do and he just had to go along with his friends. He does and always has had a huge habit of eyeing women. Long gazes, especially if they are dressed in revealing clothing. He even does it when I am there and it upsets and hurts me greatly. He would deny that he was looking at HER, but it was as if there was a magnet and he just couldn’t help it. This past year he started experiencing ED. Unable to maintain an erection. He is a bit overweight but I didn’t figure at 38, he should be having those problems. He never bugged me for sex and he seemed to have a low libido lately. I started researching his problems (ED) and saw porn as a potential cause. There were other signs and they all started to come together. He always would spend a long time in the bathroom, of course with his Iphone. He told me that he was just playing games. However the time in the bathroom multiple times a day seemed to be getting longer and longer. His You tube on his phone showed recommended channels as college girls in skimpy clothes and similar things. He didn’t know why and I believed him. After much research and continually asking him about porn he admitted that he watched it here and there…Which in time turned to once a week. He claims he only masturbated about once a week as well and never when watching porn…Although he does say he would masturbate to porn once a month. I found out 4-5 months ago. His ED is now not perfectly cured but WAY better then it was. I have to ask, because everything that I read, as I have been researching this like a crazy women, says that if he had ED as a result his use was 1) way more then what he is telling me and 2) he was masturbating to the porn he was watching a lot more then once a month. I know he is lieing to me, like your wife I just cant shake it. We made an agreement that he wouldnt have his phone in the bathroom anymore. He went along for two days and then continued to take it for the next few months till I told him it wasn’t an option about a week ago. He sometimes gets up in the middle of the night because he cant sleep and he swears he is not doing anything, Although he always has a phone or tablet. I have strict filters but he knows this behavior is upsetting to me and still does it. He swears he is not addicted. He told me he had a BIT of trouble stopping viewing it at first but that was all…Not sure what to think. Any advice?
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First of all thank you both so much for what you are doing.. I have felt so alone in this nightmare and it helps to be here with others and to have some insight from you. So thank you! Here is my story. My husband and I have been married 25 years I knew on and off throughout our marraige that porn was a problem for him but like many others I chose to overlook it many times and other times I would tell him I didn’t like it. He would stop it for a while and then sure enough it creeped back in. Well finally God opened my eyes three months ago and told me this was the last straw and that I needed to confront him and so I did. After denial at first he finally admitted it and told me he was sorry and had tried many times to quit but couldn’t.. So he agreed to filters on the phones and computers..He also read a book I bought and read myself before I confronted him on sex addiction . He didnt open much at all to me with any details until a month after I realized that masturbation ( again felt so stupid I never knew this) was also a huge problem for him alongside the porn and he was still struggling with that part. So we had another blow up over this as he felt there was nothing wrong with this part… He then agreed that he would stop that as well.. As far as I know it’s been 90 days and he is free of P&M. BUT we are having a horrible communication problem. He has zero compassion for what I am going thru and says he is trying to understand it but truly does not feel I have a reason to be upset.I am doing really good most days ( with the help of constant prayer and 3 books I Have read for wives healing etc) but also have some pretty horrible days too and he just doesn’t get it. He disagrees that porn is a type of adultery and still says masturbation is normal. This is so concerning to me. We are 90 days in this and just last night I got upset and told him I feel frustrated that he won’t open up to me. I have told him if he could please share his recovery with me just to let me know every couple days or so how he is doing.. I spend hours a day reading on site after site to help understand what he’s dealing with and to see how I can best support him and I send him stuff to read and he will read it but he is not putting any other effort into his recovery besides looking at these forums here and there in his “spare time”. He feels that since he can’t look at it ( thanks to me putting filters on everything) that the problem is fixed. When I ask him how are you doing he says so far so good nothing else to tell..He tells me he is uncomfortable and that he is doing the best he can. He has always been an isolated person and he is still following that pattern. I thought we would be past this awkward stage of being uncomfortable talking our sides out.. He gets angry, and defensive still and told me if I really wanted to know the truth that he is having a hard time and misses it badly and if I hadn’t of caught him he would still be doing it. I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me again. I am fearful that if he still isn’t truly remorseful and is confident in his decision to stop it that it’s going to come back to haunt us. He can’t stop this for me – it has to be for him. I can’t move on past this until he is willing to open up more with me. I struggle so hard with this part and have been praying that God will soften his heart to open up to me and understand how devastating this has been to me as well. He thinks since he can’t look at it now that I should just be happy with that.. I am thinking long term solutions and want to know how to best help him..I am on my knees every day asking God to restore our marraige and I truly trust he will. But boy is this the hardest thing I have ever been thru. Any advice? Thank you again..
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Question… My husband has struggled with alcoholism and has been clean for 7 years, after we became married I discovered a porn addiction as well. He covered and lied about communication with others and many of his struggles.
He reports being clean for the past year and a half although there are the occasional issues.
My question is about intimacy. He struggles to connect emotionally and physically. I am often the one to instigate any physical interaction. He doesn’t want to hold hands, cuddle, kiss or have any type of communication below surface level. How do I approach this and encourage him to be more transparent and emotionally available? I have tried about everything I know being a counselor myself and nothing seems to help.
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