Many times when we are hurt and betrayed by our husband, we immediately feel anger! We have a right to be angry. It is extremely angering that our husbands would sin in this way, by being unfaithful to us. However, anger can be very harmful to us if used in a certain way.
I have found that all the times I’ve had uncontrollable anger and lashed out on my husband, I have regretted it. Anger made me turn into a person I never was and never wanted to be. I was just so angry all the time. Even more difficult was that I had no one to talk to about my anger and frustrations at my husband. I found it almost impossible to find out or hear about awful, disgusting things that he did in our marriage, without extremely getting angry.
I think it is very helpful to take a moment to pause every time that you feel uncontrollable anger. We need time to think about what our course of action will be. Take a moment to pray or cry. Write down a plan if you need to. But, don’t just respond in harmful ways that you will regret. They will not make your marriage better. If you have felt like me and you need a safe place to release your angry emotions by telling “someone” and then cooling off, you may do that here. All of us wives have experienced anger. This is a safe place to let go and let God. It does help knowing that we can share our deep emotions with others. Unfortunately, with this sin, it is usually too private to be accepted anywhere. I will help start with some of my anger and add to this whenever you need that moment to stop. When you are finished, let it go and make a plan. Even if you stop on this page just to meditate and reflect is fine also. Some thoughts are too personal to share.
– I am so angry that my husband looked at other women immediately after I fell asleep.
– I am so angry that he meticulously deleted all paths to finding out his secret so that I didn’t know for ten years!!!!
– I am so angry that even though my husband wants to move on and start again, I’m the one with such hurtful memories.
Hopeful Wife Today 
My so called husband cheated on me with happy ending massage prostitutes for over 33 years and porn and bars, double life not caring if he gave me a STD from whores, I will get him back and make him pay for what he did to me, he knew my child hood of my father using prostitutes and sexually abusing me. he will pay.
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Hi Nancy,
I am really sorry you’re going through this. I know the feeling of wanting revenge also. It was shocking to me that the man I loved with all my heart had sought out other women our whole marriage. I found though that this revengeful anger could eat me alive. Do you feel that way too? I would recommend you see a trained Pastor or licensed counselor. Since this anger was destroying me and my life I had to do something about it. I started helping other women who are going through this. I started fighting against the darkness of all these sins. I came to realize that only God can be faithful to me. Only God is the One I can truly count on. Would you be willing to put your trust in God? I am praying for you as you fight through this.
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Your anger is justified. I would not repress it, and suffer the consequences of depression or PTSD. I feel your husband should listen and hear how much he has hurt you. Even Jesus expressed anger. It is healthy to vent. It is not healthy to seek revenge or to take it out on yourself.
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My heart is broken
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JJ,
I’m praying for you. I’m so sorry your heart is broken.
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My heart is so broken. I am a newly married woman of only 2 years and I just found out my husband has a prom addiction and not only that but the way he has used his addiction is horrible. He video chatted live with multiple women. I can’t even imagine this and he has literally broken me into a thousand pieces. I know God has a good plan but it’s really hard to trust and believe that right now. I can’t believe my husband would do this to me.
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Hi Mandy,
I’m so very sorry you’re going through this. It’s just so awful and it hurts so deeply. I know there’s not even words to explain it right now. I just want you to know I’m praying for you and your husband. I hope you can find something here to comfort you or give you some hope. Are you and your husband believers in God?
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Yes we are believers. When we were dating I found out he had a problem with porn so this isn’t completely new but he got saved and I thought that God had changed his life and saved him from that as well. He has a serious addiction though and it’s caused a lot of problems and divorce is not an option as I made a vow to him but I don’t know how I am ever going to get back to where I trust him. The hurt and pain is something I’ve never experienced in my life.
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It’s more than a year later. My husband hasn’t slipped up once and is a completely transformed man of God. He has changed in so many ways and yet there are days I can’t even look at him without feeling sick and full of anger. How can this still hurt so much?
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Mandy,
I know it feels so impossible right now. And there are still times when I feel deep hurt and pain. There’s also times when I just don’t trust my husband. But I trust in God. The only way that I was able to get through the pain was just to trust God with the next step He wanted me to do. Let me know how I can pray for you and if there’s any way I can help you.
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B,
I am praying for God to be with you while you’re hurting so much.
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It is just so hard! I knew before our marriage that my husband had some challenges sexually. However, as I knew the that God’s power is great and has rescued me from serious, uncontrollable issues in my own life, I had great faith that my husband would come to know the same freedom – he is also a Christian, wanting a close walk with God. That was before the internet! Since internet and internet Porn, his sex addiction got wings! He was, and even still may be, living a double life. I have seen what this obsession can do to the brain and thinking processes of an intelligent man! Everything turns into mush as all his thoughts are centered on one damning thing. It erodes his morals and values until everything is just an empty shell and he just goes through the motions of life. He had Covenant Eyes on most of his internet applications, but just used my computer and other new equipment he bought, like a tab, to carry on with his affair with the love and master of his life.
It progressed to the point that I was living with a monster. He had become so hardened by his sin, that there was little left of his conscience. About six months ago I asked him to move out of our bedroom and went to see our pastor. We went for counselling and my husband repented. We are trying to get restoration in our marriage, but he is emotionally so immature and damaged, with very little insight into his own soul and the world, that I sometimes despair of meaningful healing for him. In all of this I had to focus on his recovery – I had to ignore my pain and confusion, while holding on to God to keep me going, I wanted to protect and nurture communication between us and did not want to jeopardized it by my heavy reactions.
At this point in time everything is very unstable and our relationship is swinging from loving and caring to coldness and indifference every couple of days. I think I will have to mourn the loss of a good marriage and adjust to a very low level of bonding and intimacy. I still trust the Lord, but I definitely does not have much faith in his full restoration.
As I am starting to get back on track personally, I have to recognize that there is much anger, which I have not yet come to terms with, or even described to myself. I know I now need to start dealing with that to ensure my own healing and emotional repair. This forum seems to be a very good way to do so – between other women struggling with the same battles!
I Will do a new post in which I will start with trying to put the anger and hurt I feel, into words.
Please join me in this, as this is what Robi wants us to achieve. By sharing it, we should be able to safely and without damage, get it out of our systems? I am going to try!
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Thinking about his deceit and the way he defiled our marriage, how he had no regard for my trust and respect for him, burns in my heart and when going really deep into my feelings, I may feel that I hate him! But I think that what I feel is anger for the injustice of what he did. He trampled the most sensitive, beautiful, honorable, soft and noble part of my womanhood, and he had NO regard for me, while indulging in the most degrading, demeaning activities – not only disregarding me, but all women, whom he just saw as body-parts and consumer goods. He enjoyed two dimensional pictures, while he could have had me as a multi-dimensional, warm, personal and loving wife, with whom he was in covenant and safe! However in his brokenness he rather fed the perverted lusts of demons, allowing them to destroy him and our marriage. May God have mercy on us!
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Pebble,
I’m sorry you’re going through all this hurt and anger. But, you are right- this is a safe place to get it all out! I’m thankful that you have bravely started doing that. Feel free to share anytime you need to and know that there are many praying for you as you work through this!
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My husband has been dealing with pornography since childhood, but I only discovered it two years into our marriage. I walked into my house, with my 1 year old daughter on my hip, to him comitting the crime on our couch.
I almost walked out that day and called it quits. It took everything in me to make a conscious decision for my family and my daughter to fight the good fight. It hasn’t gotten an easier since that day.
Now, 3 years and two more daughters later, my husband is still thick in this mess of lust and lies. He has still been struggling and failing off and on (but more on than off, unfortunately).
He has re-confessed that he is still addicted (for the 5th time) and he’s still extremely dedicated to stopping and is upset and frustrated at himself as I am.
I, however, am growing weary of this fight and beginning to question when it’s time to walk away while I can do it peacefully and lovingly. I am not in love with him the way I used to be, and I can feel myself becoming more distant and despondent to the pain. I won’t be surprised if soon I don’t care at all, being so weathered and beaten by this journey.
I feel that my marriage has cancer. It has taken on form of a slow progressing illness that will most likely end in death.
I wish there was something I could do to take this sickness away from him so that I could fight the fight for us. It’s ruining my family.
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Hi Bailey, earlier this year, I was exactly at that point. I decided that I was possibly nearer to the edge, than even I knew. My husband could see that I was serious about it this time, and that he would in all probability lose this marriage and me. I went to our pastor and discussed the matter with him. This in itself showed how far gone I was already – it did not matter to me what would happen to his, or our, ‘respectability’. He was then prepared to go for help, although by that time, his heart was so hardened that he was not even ready to give up the porn. The alternative was divorce for us.
After seeing a counselor at church (with me present), he accepted the way of counseling. It took a while for him to get to where your husband is at the moment (dedicated to stopping). I set a couple of conditions. He had to put Covenant Eyes on all computers, cell phone and tabs in our home. (which took some fighting to get it done!) and let the reports come to me. He had to commit to counseling on a regular basis, and having an accountability partner. He had to commit to honesty in answering my questions (for what it was worth, as I did not trust him!). He had to show that he took his recovery serious and was reading books and looking at DVD’s, etc. regarding the issue. I took his things to the spare bedroom and actually, at a couple of instances asked him to please move out of the house, as I had had enough (which he would not do, but he got the message!)
After a couple of months and a VERY rough ride with me, I could see that his conscience was returning and getting soft and vulnerable again. However, due to the fact that he was not taking me into his confidence and sharing his walk and progress/challenges with me, I was battling and suffering terribly. It also meant that we and our marriage were still in a mess, indeed a VERY rocky ride!
I read everything I could get my hands on, from the Covenant Eyes website and other links, My brother send me two DVD’s from an ANCIENT PATHS seminar of Dave and Maxine Broom. ‘Breaking the power of Generational Iniquity’, and ‘Transparency, the key to Intimacy’. Andy Stanley’s ‘Free’ and ‘Pause’ also meant a lot to us, as well as other material on addictions.
What we found was that as our relationship with God improved and we got closer to Him, the changes and breakthrough started coming. I can assure you that he will not be able to break free from this addiction on his own. With all his best intentions and quality decisions, he cannot help himself. This is serious and will take his soul to hell and destroy your marriage, with serious consequences for you as a person. The Lord showed us that this is a sin issue that needs to be dealt with. It is not only a problem, or sexual brokenness, or whatever. The root is a heart full of the sins of other gods, unfaithfulness to his Creator God, needing and always wanting something or someone else. What we were seeing in the porn was just the effect of that sin playing out in his life, with the resultant loss, damage, etc., which was huge and getting bigger by the day. Interestingly enough, he did not take kindly to that message! What he wanted was a recipe, or someone praying over him, and an easy way out.
He had to break free from the chemical bondage and pathways in his brain, and that took willpower, which he did not have to begin with! But the motivation was strong enough and he has now overcome that to a very large extent.
We are on this journey, and still does not know how it will play out. A lot depends on him. However, at last he has decided to start being open and honest with me, which is a big help as I cannot fight an enemy that I cannot see. We are starting to see intimacy starting to develop, which is better than anything we have had before.
Someone explained to us that there were four phases: face, trace, erase and replace. I think we are now towards the end of erase and having to start building on the ‘replace’ which is a very big hurdle! He needs to find a way to transfer his sexual stimulation and needs to me as his wife, which is a very tall order. However, I do have hope now and I know that if he keeps to the path we have started on, with his whole heart and his faith fully grounded in the only Savior of his soul, Jesus Christ, that he has a chance and our marriage has a chance. I still need some work on the fallout it had on me, which I cannot even fathom at this point in time, but we will in time come to that. My trust is also in the only One who can help me, who knows me, who loves me, who will never abandon me, or be unfaithful to me. The only perfect husband and man in the universe!
You have decided to fight, do it with everything you have! Do what you need to do! Get all the help and information you can! And get your own relationship with God as close as you can. I am playing worship music in my bedroom, I am using perfume (he did not like it and I could never use it near him), I am reading a lot and being kind to myself. I need to be separate from him and his problem, but involved at the same time. The way and the how, I can only learn and hear, from the Savior of my soul, Jesus Christ.
My heart is with you and all the other women fighting this battle! I am again seeing how strong women actually are! The way they tackle this and stick with it, fighting for their families and the lives of the men who does not even deserve it, is astounding! I must say that I have personally grown in all of this, even if it came at a very huge and terrible cost!
I hold fast to the verse in Isaiah 61 verse 3 in the Bible where God promises that he will give beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that we may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that HE might be glorified.
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Bailey,
I am so sorry to hear that you’ve been deeply hurt from this awful sin. Pebble has given you such helpful advice. Thank you Pebble. Bailey, I’m glad you’re here with us. I’m praying for you as I know others are too. Please keep us updated on how you’re doing.
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Thank you for this outlet.
The anger is overwhelming. I have sinned in my anger over and over the last two years since my husband’s secrets were revealed to me through the grace of God. I am suffering and in grief and so much pain, pain that is deeper than any I have ever known in even my very difficult life. I thought my husband was a lover of Jesus when we married, and it became very quickly apparent after marriage that he wasn’t. He was a Pharisee. He was very, very good at lying to everyone and keeping up appearances. A professional. I feel like such a huge idiot for being so duped.
I don’t know who he really, REALLY is at all. He has always just agreed with what the good Christians around him are saying. He says and still says, “Mmmhmmm” and nods in agreement with anything I have to say about the Lord, values, morals, whatever. And I hate it. I hate his deception. I hate his fakeness. I hate it so much that he has such a complete inability to be open and honest, when he married ME who is a very open, honest person, so much so that I have had countless friends tell me how much it has helped them and how much it has meant to them.
So more than anything I am angry about the lies. I expected him to have a problem with pornography! Before and during marriage I asked him bluntly about it. I expressed my incredulity in a kind way when he would say he ‘just didn’t struggle, God just gave me eyes for you honey.” I am SO ANGRY at him for saying those exact words and others like it to me COUNTLESS TIMES. I hate that he said those words. I wish I could go back in time and punch him in the face every single time he uttered a stupid worthless and COMPLETELY POINTLESS lie to me. I was sharing my sins and my struggles and my temptations with him all throughout our marraige because I ALWAYS BELIEVED that no matter how bad it made me look, it was worth it to keep openness and honesty between us!!! I would think sometimes that he was lying to me about something small and then I would “take the thought captive” and tell myself I needed to trust my husband. I would thank God whenever I thought to that my husband didn’t struggle with pronography because I knew that was a complete miracle in this day and age. But what I never understood was HOW. How was he defeating lust in this way if he was so disconnected from me and from everyone that when I shared and confessed my sins, and asked about his struggles…EVERY TIME he would sit there FOREVER and not come up with A. SINGLE. SIN. He would say, “I know I’m a sinner, of course I am!” and I would say, “Okay, then what was a struggle you had this week?” Nothing. Or perhaps he would bring up something that wasn’t even a sin!!!!! Only God knows how angry this makes me when I remember the times I was INVITING HIM to be open with me. When I was SHARING WITH HIM even my temptations to flirt with another friend of ours, or to want another man’s attention. The thing that angers me more than anything is this. The fake “man of God’ label he gave himself. He even had a friend give him as a groomsmen gift, a watch that had “integrity” engraved on it, for a gift for being in his wedding. He was completely happy having everyone think he was a godly, humble guy, that he had all this integrity and that he loved God! But I lived with him. I saw the complete lack of interest in God, His Word, worship, sermons, talking about sermons, talking about prayer, anything! Just rote prayer before meals and before bed. THAT. WAS. IT. And the worst thing… I reached out for help. But because he was such a ‘nice guy,’ no one believed me. Everyone thought I was just being an unappreciative wife of the man who changed our kids diapers and wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom.
Of course the pornography angers me too. It cuts so deeply into my heart. He would even pray for our friends and family members’ marriages that had problems because of pornography, who would come to me and share with me the pain and suffering. I would tell him about it and share with him how thankful I was he somehow didn’t struggle, we would pray together for them, I would share how it would make me feel if he struggled in that way, and I shared how it made my friends feel…and all the while. All that time. I cannot even explain how angry that makes me. It is the utmost betrayal. In my mind, to act like you were above it the whole time! To act as though you had a handle on it through your own strength! He is like Judas to me in a lot of ways, honestly, and I hate saying that.
He did things at the beginning to make things better, but they didn’t last. He says he hasn’t looked at it in two years. But in the meantime, does he share with me? Does he have acountability? Does he talk to anyone at all about his struggles and temptations? Does he talk to anyone at all about God? Does he look for godly wisdom in ANY place? Sermons? Podcasts? Blogs? Books? Does he actively pray with anyone about this? Has he sought to figure out how he got to where he was? The answer to all of these questions is no. I am married to Mr. Nice Guy and I hate it. I have been journaling all day today and yesterday and I feel like finally I am having the breakthrough I need–with the Lord. After yet another unsuccessful attempt to share my heart with him last night, before bed (oops!! Only time we can talk without interruption but always he’s too tired…but at other times…there’s always some reason he can’t respond) and I poured it out, trust me…and…silence. I was sharing how I want our marriage bed to be awesome and a place of trust and full participation on my part but how I don’t know if that will ever happen, and I hate knowing that he may have this desire and I can’t fulfill it…and he gave me absolutely nothing. I then asked him to please let me know when I start talking about my heart that he can’t even really listen or give me anything in return because he’s too tired…and of course I think to myself, “I bet you were never too tired to look at porn!”
I am completely spent and ready to let go of the anger…but I can only approach God for my healing. My attempts are getting and have gotten nowhere with my husband. I know what I need to do, but sharing my heart with him and talking about spiritual things or even this is just not something that is going to effect change. I have exhauseted that as an option. This man I married is too closed off for that.
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Nicky,
Thank you for bravely sharing your hurts and frustrations. I just want to tell you I’m praying for you and I’m glad that you’re here. You’re welcome to write anything you’re going through or to keep us all updated. I’m sorry you’re going through this, of trying to connect with your husband and having him not respond. Some things that you wrote sound so familiar to me. I always remember thanking my husband for not looking at porn or getting involved in anything like that. It’s so hard to look back at that now and wonder why I couldn’t tell and see all the signs. All I know is it was such a long, very difficult process for my husband to admit sin and struggles to me. He also had a “fake” appearance with everyone. It’s so hard. I’m praying for you and your marriage.
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Thank you so, so much for understanding and letting me share. I sure hope I have a testimony of our marriage turning around someday!
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Hi Nicky,
I think you really put into words what most of us feel. What an ugly part we have in a horror movie, filled with shadows! The fact is that those captured and in bondage to this slavery, is in a very desperate situation, and they need outside help to get free. Their values and conscience only starts to function as they become cleaner and more free, and then the traumatic shame and guilt becomes unbearable (which I believe is partly the reason why they prefer to stay in it, rather than having to think and deal with it!).
I believe that God has a purpose for anger, as it is an indication that something is wrong and something must be done! It can be totally destructive and then effect the opposite of what God intended, and that is why we need to blow off steam in a safe environment.
However, it must not prevent us from taking the applicable action that is necessary to force a turning point. With all addictions, if the supporter takes the brunt of the consequences, instead of the addict, you are actually enabling the person and standing in the way of their freedom. They MUST face the consequences and it must be of such intensity that freedom becomes more desirable than bondage!
If you could allow your anger to be under the control of the Holy Spirit, it can give you the forcefulness to confront in the power of God. It can give you the strength to keep on and take a stand that gives a breakthrough for him, a sporting chance. It will mean that you will have to get your wisdom, strength, power, insight and staying power from God and you will have to just immense yourself into God’s mercy, who will help you bear that excruciating pain that you are talking about. I think we really experience God’s heart, what He feels when we are having other gods before him, which is adultery against him!
It will mean that you will have to receive healing from the fear of rejection and abandonment, from your heavenly Father, so that you can do what you must do, but it will be to your spiritual and eternal benefit.
I believe that this kind of sorrow, and soul searching, and going deep into God’s mercy are creating saints out of women, which only eternity will show the measure of.
Stand strong and let Jesus be with you and the Holy Spirit lead you into the deepest possible relationship with Him, the lover of your soul, who will NEVER abandon or leave you!
I trust, together with you, for a testimony of the grace and work of God on your husband, yourself and your marriage!
We love you!
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Wow, thank you Pebble. I am going to come back and read that many more times in the future. I also can’t find where another woman commented about the Brad Hambrick “True Betrayal” resource, but I want to mention it here and say thank you. I just started listening yesterday and I’m so thankful to have a resource that tries to take care of the traumatized spouse! My heart goes out to the other women on here. My husband actually said he thought it would be good for us to go through the videos and workbook together so I’m starting to gain hope–also, he’d told no one in our new town and church home for six months about what we’ve been through and are still dealing with in our marriage (even though he SAID HE WOULD months ago) and after I first posted here I told him I was going to go tell a couple in our church because it was eating me alive to have NO ONE here know our history at all, once again. So he said, No, I’ll talk to him (the husband) and now they have met once a week for three weeks. Last Friday we met with a couple from church and I was hopeful that would be good but my husband barely spin AT ALL the entire time, and so I talked too much and cried and the wife (unintentionally) ended up making me feel like I just need to “have grace for him” and made it seem like I have had the wrong expectations in my marriage and I need to get rid of them (this I do think is what she meant to communicate). I think it was partially helpful but we may need to go to a different couple where my husband might be more willing to talk and where I can feel less attacked. At least something is happening; I just hope it lasts and begins to be evident that it is coming forth from my husband’s own heart and not a RESPONSE to ME.
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Hi Nicky,
You (we) are making progress! We cannot see the outcome, but we can hope! We know the One who has the answers and can give us the wisdom and lead us in being the helpmates He intended us to be.
For many years I struggled and tried to be the submissive wife, as I wanted to obey the Lord and be found faithful by him (according to the way I defined ‘submissive’ and the way it is generally interpreted in the Christian community!). It is only more recent that my function as helpmate became clearer and that the seriousness of the responsibility given to the woman, became more pronounced to me. The way God created woman to be the helpmate of man, must to my mind, be the highest priority with regards to the role of the woman. It means that the godly woman may understand things that her husband may not, and that she may have to do things to help him, which he may not feel good about! – and that her doing it, would have the blessing of Creator God and his help! It may also mean that nobody on earth may understand or appreciate what she is doing! It may mean that her husband in his fallen state (exalted state in his own mind!) may call her names, blame her, abuse her, etc., while she has to do, what she has to do! It is strange how, when I am uncomfortable and know in my innermost being that my husband is busy with something wrong, that he accuses me that I am acting like his mother, but there is never such a complaint when he is in tune with God and in victory over sin. The reason is that I am standing up against the power of sin in his life, but the moment he comes back into relationship with God and me, our relationship changes to where I am naturally submissive. I think this may be an area where godly women, going through this specific trial,experience a lot of self doubt and inner confusion. We can only trust in God and plead with Him to lead us into all truth and keep us under His authority and submissive to Him in what we do. We have to be strong and decisive when we have to deal with this sexual deviance and sin in our husband’s lives!
Another area which causes a lot of confusion and hurt is when having to go to others for help – which we have to do! I don’t know how this evil can be dealt with alone and in the darkness! It means that we are at the mercy of counsellors who do not understand the situation and do a lot of damage. Any counsellor telling you and/or your husband that men will be men and that you must understand that men are so different from women and that you must make allowance for that, will undo what the Holy Spirit has started convicting you husband of. I had a big challenge to make the Christian counsellor understand my position, that I do not have unreasonable expectations, but that the standard was not other men and their sexual brokenness (and that in a VERY sexualized internet world!), but purity and holiness which is possible and available in Jesus Christ. The standard is 100% purification by the grace of God! – and a constant walk in holiness. A total setting free of the hold of sin! …and immediate repentance and restoration when stumbling! … and living a life of transparency, accountability and truth. I am SO glad that this is the standard set by the men of God, giving counsel at ‘Covenant Eyes’ – as it is the ONLY hope of freedom!
Tragically, before being confronted by this terrible wickedness and disease in our own marriages, we may have given the same advice as the lady you have been talking to! It is absolutely true that us as women, want to see in our husbands what only Jesus can be, and that we must come to grips with the fact that our husbands also have a fallen and broken nature, in need of the grace and the redemption of Jesus Christ. However, this is not the same issue and, therefore, not the correct counsel. May she be spared from the disillusionment and shock of having to get to know this experience! (…as may soon be the case in the majority of Christian marriages! – may God protect the church from this!)
This is a war we are fighting and sometimes we may win and sometimes we may feel that everything is lost, but as long as the men are fighting and turning to Jesus for their strength and deliverance, the way will be forward and upwards.
I truly believe that the measure of intimacy which can be possible, after overcoming this stronghold, may by greater and deeper than anything experienced without the intense growth, pain and endurance called for, in fighting this enemy.
We are all a work in progress, and at this point in time my husband and I have new challenges in our marriage, as it seems God is dealing with another area where sin and satan had been in control in the past and which have been an open door for temptation. I think there are many levels to conquer, something like the layers of an onion!
Please let us know how things are going! We will keep praying for each other as woman of God, who does not have a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind (2 Tim 1:7)! I believe we are going to see the power of God in an awesome way!
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Last night I was overcome with anger and hurt toward my husband. Although, he has been recovering been walking with the Lord for about 5 years after a many years of struggling with a pornography addiction, I still struggle from time to time with hurt and anger over this, especially int times when I know he is being tempted. Sometimes I know this because he is traveling often and other times because he lets me know or acts frustrated because we have not had sex when he wanted. Last night, he was actually telling me and confiding in me that he felt our sexual relationship had been going well and he mentioned how he felt so frustrated in years past and how that would lead him to be led away in to porn for an “escape” etc. I felt hurt even though his purpose was to say how he thought things were going well with us, all I heard was that in the past he was dissatisfied and looked to porn for comfort and release. I got so angry I said a lot of things. This hurt him and he said that its hard for him to be honest and vulnerable because of my reactions and that its hard to trust me when it comes to being honest about his struggles. So, I feel so bad. I have made a decision to forgive many years ago. I have asked God for healing. How do I stop being “triggered” and the hurt and anger? I don’t feel this ways always, but it definitely happens from time to time. Is this normal? Where do I go from here?
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Dear Girly, I wish there was an easy answer!
We need a lot of healing, which only Jesus can give. He made us and He can remake us when we are broken. We will not look the same, we will be so much more! There will be jewels, where there have been hurt and damage and He will make us vessels of honor.
I wan’t to pray over you and all of us for this:
Lord Jesus, the Christ, our Saviour, I bring this terrible wounds in the hearts of Girlie and the other woman on this site, to you for healing. I stand with her broken, damaged heart and her shredded, teared spirit before You and present it to you Lord, for healing. Please go into all the hurtful memories and pour out your blood into them. Clean them out and heal them. Make her heart a vessel of honor into which you pour out your grace and mercy – also for the man who sinned against her.
I thank you Lord for a miracle of restoration in her soul and spirit.
Forgive us where we have sinned against our husbands – where we have rejected and judged them, as if we could sit in judgement over them. We need your mercy and grace in the same way as they do, because ‘there but for grace’ it could have been us in the clutches of a merciless degrading addiction, that take away all our self-worth, and respect, and hope for ourselves – having to carry the burden of being responsible for the merciless agony, our most treasured loved one is going through!
Lord make us quick to repent and confess OUR sins against you and our husbands, so that it can be removed from our spirits and we can be restored into a right relation with you and our husbands.
Please heal our husbands from our cruelty, caused by our unbearable pain, we ask, in the Name of Jesus, our only hope and the faithful lover of our souls.
Bind our souls together in a holy union which will bring honor to you and will bring about the purpose you had for marriage, when you brought it forth out of your own being.
Thank you Jesus – You are the only answer and our only hope – and we praise and magnify your holy Name!
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Pingback: An Update on My Marriage: My Husband Decided to go to Counseling | Hopeful Wife Today
It is really difficult to feel the same for my husband who has lied and betrayed me with his pornography addiction. The first time, we went to individual counseling and counseling together. Despite all the damage, pain and distrust it caused, he returned to follow this dark path instead of following the light of God. When confronted, he attempted to gaslight me. When I told him to own it, he finally did. He quit drinking this time, which he said leads to thoughts of porn. He is attending a support group and reading a book recommended by his counselor. I am praying and trying to be hopeful again, but it has been a challenge on my physical and mental health. He has always portrayed himself as a Godly man and lived the double life. That is one of the hardest things for me to comprehend. You cannot use God as your shield and walk the devils path at the same time. He is a grandfather, going to be 60 and says that he is not abnormal. I asked him why he chose this path again and he said he did not take it seriously the first time. This was also hard to hear after all the destruction it caused our marriage. I will continue to trust God knowing that whatever happens, I will be alright. I feel that God gives us the gift of common sense that if things don’t change for the better, he wants us to protect ourselves. Women are the rocks of the family and show the most compassion for others. There are times when you have to leave a toxic relationship and reach for God’s hand to guide you the rest of your days on this earth.
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