I decided that this would be a good time to give an update on my marriage. If you are new to this site, I have started giving periodic updates. The first update was here if you missed it. I started this because it is an open and honest way to share how my husband and I are currently doing with rebuilding our marriage. I had started this site so that I could share my story of discovering my husband’s pornography use. But, I came to realize that it’s important to share where we are currently and how we are struggling or growing.
It was a really hard two weeks for us. I know I have said many times that my husband struggles with honesty. He always has. Right now it is very hard for him to always reveal the full truth. He sees it as not directly lying. But, in his heart he knows he is not telling me something that he should.
Two week ago he revealed to me something that he had hidden from me for three months. This was something very important that he knew he should have told me about. He justifies this as he did nothing to cause it and prayed that God would take it from him so that he would not have to tell me. After three months, God made it clear to him that he needed to tell me.
This is very hurtful to our marriage. It pretty much freezes our growth and even puts us behind. Honesty is something that we have been working so hard at. It’s really hard to understand why he would choose to go through this again. I know I have shared that we even read the openness and honesty part of Draw Close twice!
So, from this incident, we fell into a lot of sinful patterns. My husband is always sad after disappointing me and angry at himself. I usually fall back into anger and disbelief. It was hard to move on for a few days. Now, I can say after two weeks we are back on track. We are continuing to work on important things through prayer.
What can we do when it seems like our husband always lies to us? We know it kills trust and it hurts love. The only thing that we can do is trust God through this process. And it really is a process. Typically, our husbands are going through a whole transformation after being exposed of their pornography addiction. This is just one step that they have to walk through.
This is why I trust my husband only by trusting in God. This is another example that I am happy to tell you that God was faithful. God promised that He would let me know anything about my husband that I needed to know. It is always in God’s timing. God pressed upon my husband’s heart that he needed to confess something to me. This is why I can trust God with my marriage. Yes, it is hurtful that my husband chose this again. But, God will get me through it and show us what to do. Maybe my husband was forgetting about his commitment to honest? Maybe he was being too lenient in his prayers and studying scripture. I don’t know for sure.
Now, it’s something that we are bringing back to the front and praying that we overcome this problem. One thing I have to say is that I cannot believe how much my husband has grown in honesty. I can tell that he is working at being a really open and honest person. He tells me so many things about his daily life that I know are hard for him to share.
It’s hard for him to be honest when he knows it is something that will upset me and that he did not cause to happen in anyway. But, things do happen in life that we need to tell our spouse. So, I am trying to receive information better and not act in sinful anger when he has to tell me something upsetting.
This e-book is something that I have been writing. It is ten prayers that I have prayed throughout this time. It is based on my deepest needs and truly from my heart. I would like to send it through e-mail to anyone who makes a donation of any amount. If you do make a donation, please e-mail me and I will send it to you quickly.
Lastly, if you have any books or songs that have helped you grow closer to God, please let me know. I will add them to those pages so that they can help others.
I am praying for all of you as you seek to follow God. Thank you also for faithfully praying for all the people on this site.