Once my husband finally admitted to me that he did indeed have a problem with lust, I knew I could start to help him. I was obviously deeply sad and regretful that what I knew all along was true. However, I was more excited than sad. I knew that God was confirming what I already knew anyhow. It’s just hard to hear it, even when you know it’s true.
That’s why I decided to place my trust in God. I knew God was leading me in this direction. I knew completely that God wanted to use me to help my husband be open with me. I know I’ve said so many times that honesty and openness is truly my husband’s greatest struggle. And at that point it was obvious that it was coming between him and God and him and me.
So, I placed my hurt feelings in God’s hands. I tried with all my strength to just understand why lust and pornography is such a problem for men and not to only react personally. The truth is, we never will fully understand this struggle that men have. We just can’t. We’re not made that way. And we have to come to the point where we accept that we won’t understand it. We have to know that God understands it and that’s all that really matters.
God made something very clear to me when my husband told me about his problem with lust. He made it clear that lust does not go away even when pornography does. Of course, pornography is the struggle and it is so very difficult. However, lust still remains even after a man quits viewing porn until they deal with it.
This made it even harder for me to understand. If my husband was actively staying away from porn, then why was he still struggling with lust so much? The answer is that lust is everywhere. My husband was struggling because he was using the computer a lot and going to websites where he couldn’t resist the urge to click on the provocative links. He couldn’t resist the urge to lust in public when someone was dressed in a very revealing way. He really had no clue how to fight this.
I didn’t either. I had never dealt with lust or pornography anywhere in my life before. The interesting thing is that God showed me what to do. I always call it steps because I believe God showed me slowly the next step that was needed each time in my marriage. And I believe that He will do the same for you. I believe He will do this for anyone who draws close to Him and is actively seeking Him. That is why I always talk about how important it is for you to place your whole trust in God alone right now. He will be the one to guide you when your husband cannot. He will be the one to help you talk to your husband. He will show you the next step to take in your marriage. But, you must trust Him.
So, the next step God showed me was to first just address the issue my husband shared openly with me. The fact that he was struggling with clicking on sinful links when he was alone. I knew in my heart there was a lot more, but this is where God wanted us to start.
Sometime within the next few days, I asked my husband if we could talk about what he had told me. I asked him if I could help him make a plan to overcome this struggle. I told him that my idea was that he would never use a computer that was not covered with Covenant Eyes for personal browsing. He really never needed to. He had his own laptop and phone. He had no real reason to use work computers for anything other than work. In this way, he wouldn’t be tempted to go to those extra websites and links. He agreed to this completely. We also agreed that if he did fail in this area, he would tell me quickly.
I know this can raise a lot of questions. What if he just lies? Well, I suppose he could because his history is filled with lies. But, he did willingly tell me about this. And, I didn’t overreact. Instead, I took my fears and hurt to God. I chose to help my husband. Also, he was really in a place where he wanted to beat his struggle with lust. He wanted to help. So, he was willing and hopeful. Lastly, if he did lie, I know that God would show me in time. Remember, I was placing my trust in God. God would let me know what was needed.
Are you at this point in helping your husband? Is he ready for your help? Are you trusting in God. If you have any questions on what my husband was thinking at this point, feel free to go to the Ask My Husband page.