My Personal Story: Doubting

SharingMyStory After I explained to my husband the hurting I was still feeling inside, noting really changed in our marriage. We were still two people living together, but never really connecting to each other. I started to doubt God and all His promises. I wondered day after day why I was in such a lonely marriage. I really wanted to know why my marriage ended up this way. I had loved my husband so much for eleven years of marriage. And there I was taking care of a fourth newborn! I was exhausted. I was totally worn out. But, I really never could sleep at night. I would lie awake thinking about my life and wondering what happened. The way I saw my life back then was that it was wasted. I spent most of my life loving my husband. What did he do? He spent out entire marriage lying to me. He was never open. He hid his life and his inner thoughts from me. Basically, I wasted my life loving a man I didn’t even know. I felt so much worse when I thought about how deeply I wanted a caring relationship. I wanted to be in love again. I wanted to trust in my husband and know that he would take care of me. I kept thinking about all the times he told me he would always be here for me. He often said he would do anything to make me happy. It just crushed me to realize how untrue that was. The truth was that there wasn’t much of anything he would really do for me. He wouldn’t share his life with me. He wouldn’t open up to me. He was struggling constantly with lust. He acted very unfaithful. All of this was starting to suffocate me. While I was busy and going about my days, I would stumble upon random notes my husband left me. He is very big on leaving notes and he left a note to me almost every day before he left for work. They always said how much he loved me and how he was the luckiest man in the world. I had cherished them and saved everyone. Now, I would read one again and get completely stuck. How could he write all these beautiful notes when they were complete lies. He wrote these even as he knew he was hiding his biggest secret from me. I truly could not understand him no matter how much I tried. Because of my deep sadness and the fact that I was not turning to God, I started thinking I could never be happy being with my husband again. So, when he came home from work, I told him how I felt. I told him that I’m not sure why I would stay married to him when nothing was changing and I was so deeply hurt. I explained to him that I thought I would be much happier without him and that I was going to look into that option. The look on my husband’s face was pure shock and horror. It might have been one of the first times I saw real emotion in him. He said, “You’re really serious about this hurt you’re feeling?” I answered that I was serious. Then, I quickly went upstairs to bed. Looking back on that moment, I believe this was the first motivation to my husband that he needed to change if our marriage was ever going to restore. I didn’t realize it at the time because I was in so much pain, but that statement was the first real consequence I had ever given to my husband. I had always accepted him exactly how he was. I just wanted him to be happy and I never went against him. But, that doesn’t work in a marriage. One person cannot be a door mat, while the other person does anything he or she wants. I believe my saying that to my husband started his desire to change. After that night, he began to look for ways to please me. He was trying so hard to be open and have the relationship that I wanted. He just didn’t know how. It was such a painful struggle for him. Progress moved so slowly. But, finally! I was starting to have a husband that was opening up to me. He was actually listening to me and trying to give me that things I really needed. Our marriage was beginning to turn around! After my husband’s life started to change, God placed a new step in my heart. It was that I had to find a way to help my husband admit he did struggle often with lust.

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