I haven’t posted about My Personal Story in awhile so if you’ve just started reading it, the first part starts with Discovery. I realized that I didn’t post about this for so long because it is the hardest thing that I write about on here. However, it’s very important to me that I share my own story. It is the main reason that I started this site. I wanted to share with other women who are deeply hurting how my marriage got from brokenness to restored. I also encourage everyone to share their stories as well. I believe this helps us to heal. First, it’s helpful to read how others have struggled or what they have learned. It’s also healing for us to be able to verbalize what we faced. As we do this, we can release it a little more. Then, we can pray for each other. There are just so many benefits from sharing our story with each other. So, I am encouraging you today, if you would like to share your story, please do! You can do that on this page, on the Personal Stories page, or as a guest post.
I had made up my mind that I was going to talk with my husband about how much I was still suffering. We hadn’t actually talked about his addiction to pornography for a year! I don’t know about anyone else, but for me that was torture. I had so many questions and wanted to share so much with my husband, but how could I if this was completely off limits in our marriage? And how could I bridge that gap? I couldn’t bridge that gap, but God could.
That night as soon as he got home from work, we sat down together. He was very nervous and uncomfortable. I was also very anxious to open up this conversation. I told him that I hadn’t forgotten his pornography addiction. I wasn’t over it like I pretended to be. I explained that I still hurt very badly thinking about how he carried so many deceptive lies our whole marriage. I wanted him to understand that I really didn’t know him. He knew me, but I only knew the man he pretended to be before his true self was uncovered. But if he went right back to being that pretend person again, I still didn’t know him!
I was aching to know more about my husband! I wanted to know what his childhood was like and how it led him to have so many struggles. I wanted to hear about how he lived each day. I wanted to understand him and know about him. God was pressing this so much on my heart. I truly wanted my husband to understand this. It’s not okay to go each day without really connecting with each other. It’s not okay to be married for ten years but to not know each other emotionally! As time went on I was starting to feel like a stranger to my husband. I asked God continuously,
“Why does he only talk to me about surface level things? Why does he only smile and laugh around me, but never show me the things that really bother him?”
I also wanted my husband to know that I did not trust him. He thought he easily had my trust after apologizing and forgetting about it. But, that’s not how trust works. I did not trust him when he worked on the computer late at night. I didn’t understand why he was still living in sin. He was still drinking all the time. He really didn’t want anything to do with God. So, how was it possible to be free from lust and sexual sin? To me, it wasn’t possible.
So I told my husband all of that and so much more. I just wanted him to know that I was still hurting. I wanted him to know me too. I wasn’t going to be fake with him another day. If I was going through a rough time, I wanted to be free to tell him. I needed him to talk to me too. I wanted to start hearing more about his day. I wasn’t going to accept, “my day was good, how was yours?” anymore. I wanted to know this man that I loved so deeply.
What I did not want to do in any way was shut him down even more. The thing that is so difficult with porn addiction and deception in marriage is that the person is typically so private and closed to others. How could I bring my husband, who never told anyone anything intimate in his whole life, to share with me his most personal fears, struggles, and feelings?
I didn’t know how. And I really didn’t know how when after I shared all of that my husband said, “okay.” I had no plan and no response of how we could get from such an empty marriage to a loving, intimate one. But that didn’t matter because God had the plan. And God was already started doing His plan with that one small conversation that became the opening of our restoration.