God’s Light

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Some moments of life seem very dark. Those moments are empty, hopeless, unbearable times. We wonder, where is God? Everyone around seems like they are just getting along fine with life. People everywhere are laughing, talking, and going about their day. But, inside of you, you’re stuck in this dark moment.

You probably planned how your marriage and family would be. You would make such wonderful memories together. You’d have so many happy times. Love would be abundant, people caring about each other, and everything would be great.

I know within that image you never pictured your husband would be addicted to pornography. You never thought the special man you wanted to spend your whole life with could ever hurt you this deeply. We often think certain troubles will happen to other people. Then, one day, they happen to you. And you’re left in a very dark moment. What do you do now?

When I found out my husband was watching pornography constantly behind my back, I was shocked. All of the “fake” things I thought about our family vanished. I knew then that nothing was real. I was on a perfect, happy path with God. My prayers came easily and I read the Bible daily. Then it felt like God picked my life up, shook it around, and dropped all the pieces for me to try and put back together. And I couldn’t. I had no idea what to do and I had no idea what to say. I could not fix my life no matter what I tried. I could not escape this awful dark time.

Right then was when I learned the most hopeful thing possible. God’s light shines through our darkest moments. I was completely broken and hopeless. But, God showed me that I didn’t need to be anything else. It was okay. God wanted me to be broken. He wanted to show me that I couldn’t do anything without Him. I couldn’t count on my husband anymore. He had failed me. I always went to my husband before God for hope, approval, direction, or any other need I had. But, this time it was my husband who had betrayed me. My husband broke all my dreams of being the one and only special woman in his life. God knew all of this. He knew I had no where to go but to Him.

When I went to God, I cried. I told God exactly how I felt. That I had no one else in the whole world who wouldn’t let me down. I only had God left. God showed me that this was where He wanted me. When I finally admitted that I only needed God and that I was broken without Him, He started to heal me.

Ever so slowly, God began remaking me. He taught me through His word how much I needed Him. He showed me how to bring all of my sorrow to the cross. He opened my eyes to see how important it was to my marriage that I found out the truth about my husband. God showed me that my husband was just a normal human. A human that fails, is not perfect, and can hurt others-even me. God also showed me the special way that I could help my husband. God knew that only I would never expect anything but the best from my husband. That is why I was the perfect person to help my husband out of this sin.

But, I could never do any of that without having full reliance on God. My faith had to be in God, not in my husband. My trust had to be in God, not in my husband. My strength had to be in God, not in myself. All these broken pieces had to be brought to God in full surrender. This was the darkest moment of my life. Learning that my husband had chosen other women over me our whole marriage had broken everything I thought I was. I chose to bring myself and my life before God. That was when God’s light shined into my darkest moment. That was when God started the healing.

In an upcoming post I am going to discuss specific things that God brought me to do so that I could be healed of this hurt. In the meantime, what has God shown you to do for healing?

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3 thoughts on “God’s Light

  1. Wow. All the feelings you described are exactly what I felt and what I am still feeling. I feel like everything I knew about our marriage was fake. Old photographs are no longer happy memories.

    God brought me to a place of brokenness as well. He showed me that I can only trust in him. I can love my husband, but I can only trust the Lord to be true to me. Healing is hard. God has shown me that I have to keep a soft heart and not resist Him or my husband. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel pain, because I do, but I have to allow the Lord to change my heart and my attitude. God reminded me that Jesus suffered heartbreak, betrayal, and rejection from those closest to Him as well. He understands how we feel in a greater way than I will ever truly know. Having this knowledge has helped me to lean on Him and trust in His love. I know healing will come, and I am praying for others going through this dark time as well.

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  2. Leigh,
    Thank you for your comment. You bring so much truth for us to think about. Jesus was betrayed and hurt! He knows exactly how we feel. To think how much He must love us! We can find comfort knowing that. I am praying for you Leigh and your marriage.

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