One wife recently asked the following question:
I have been married for two years to my husband. He is a recovering alcoholic who just celebrated 6 years of sobriety. About a year into our relationship I discovered a lot of porn use and other online stuff that was extremely addictive in appearance. When I first asked him about this he lied about it, even when I could show the search history the lies continued. Eventually he admitted that he had been looking at porn, etc. We struggled for a solid year after with lies, deception, etc. Went to counseling which helped immensely in our relationship. He has been open for the past year to creating trust, so we know all our accounts, have minimized social media etc. Even though he has proved trustworthy for the past year I struggle with believing him. I don’t understand how this can be an addiction one minute and then over the next. Maybe I need to give god more credit for the transformation.
Lately we have really struggled with intimacy. I always initiate sex, he rarely wants to have sex, and emotionally he struggles with intimacy as well. I am wondering what has helped you build intimacy in your marriage that your husband was open too?
My answer to her was:
I’m glad to hear you’re fighting for your marriage. Trust is a really difficult thing. Trust is still something that I struggle with and at times it has overtaken me. I decided one day to give my trust over to God. How I did this was I prayed something like this, “God, I do not trust my husband at all for all the times he has lied to me. But I do trust You God. So God please bring to light any lies that my husband is hiding. Make them clear to me.” In this way, I solved trust with my husband. I know that God hates lies and He promises us that eventually everything in the dark will come to light. I have to testify to you that every single time since then that my husband has lied to me about something, God brought it to light! It was not always immediately and sometimes it was in a peculiar way, but it always happened. I had to give this to God because it was such a burden on my heart.
Intimacy is another very difficult thing after pornography. I wanted to be close to my husband too. About two years ago we finally became close. My husband had never talked openly with me. He was very prideful and didn’t even like talking about his day with me. I explained to him that I needed a time each day that we could talk, pray, and read together. We started by openly talking about our days. Then we read some of the Bible together and a devotional. Lastly, we held hands and prayed. This brought so much intimacy for us. My husband finally started to open up and talk to me!
If you have any added suggestions and advice, please comment below.
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