Mother’s Day was a very difficult holiday for me. I’m sure many women coming to this site can relate. Especially now when I am looking back at the past few years. How did that first Mother’s Day feel after I found out my husband was addicted to pornography? Obviously, I did not feel like a special woman in my family. I was not cherished. I was not honored. Mother’s Day was more of a reminder of what my family was lacking. I found it hard just to get through the day.
My first time I celebrated the day as a future mother was so special. I was pregnant with my first child. My husband bought me beautiful gifts and was truly excited of the life we were beginning. How did our life change so drastically?
Well, he started working two jobs so that I could stay home when the baby arrived. Those Mother’s Days were lonely as I remember he woke up, gave me a gift, and went off to work for the day. I tried to have a special day just me and the baby.
Things became worse once he was able to take holidays. By that point we had three children. Mother’s Day was a day for him to give me gifts, get completely drunk, and then pass out for a long nap. I ended up making all the meals and doing all the chores, just as usual. Once I discovered he looked at pornography constantly destroyed any hope of feeling like the special woman in the house. Our love story was done. Our family was destroyed as far as I was concerned. The fact came out that he even had inappropriate relationships while he was planning for Mother’s Day! All of this was just too much to bear for me. I ended up feeling sad, rejected, and worthless.
Was there any hope left?
Yes. I cried out to God. Only God could truly know how I felt. God knew how dishonored I was. God knew He didn’t plan it this way. It was the result of my husband’s sins, which began many generations before him. I felt several years of this deep pain.
How did it change?
God heard me. He showed me how to gently urge my husband into repentance. He opened my husband’s eyes to the deep hurt he was causing me. My husband came to truly know God and have a relationship with Him. He learned how to let the Holy Spirit guide him. He learned how to celebrate Mother’s Day.
My husband recently told me that he wants to get it right. He is planning a craft with the four kids. He ordered something special to be delivered to me. He’s taking the day off from work. We’re gonna go to church, get Panera Bread, and have a relaxing day celebrating our family. He desires so deeply to make up some of the hurt he caused me. He asked me if I could tell him on Monday if he did good. I already know he will. It’s because God healed his heart from the selfish, sinful man that he was.
Do I still suffer?
Sometimes I do. I cannot lie. It hurts deep down in my heart when I think of all the pain he caused me. I choose not to dwell on that pain. This is because God has brought a new life to our marriage. I am choosing to forgive my husband each day when I offer him a second change. Jesus came to save the sinners. He gives my husband a second chance. How can I not? God is leading me to try Mother’s Day again.
This time I am not sad. I am thanking God with all of my heart for this beautiful marriage that He is healing each day.
If you are caught right in the middle of feeling worthless on Mother’s Day, please don’t give up. Cry out to God. Pray for your marriage. Lead your husband to God. God will hear you. I am praying for each wife on Mother’s Day to know that there is still hope.