I’ve always been an emotional and sensitive person. I never looked forward to the time right after having a baby. One time after delivery, I was very happy and adjusted easily into caring for a newborn. However, with two of my children, I was very overwhelmed and found my days trying and daunting. I was nervous to have this fourth baby because I didn’t know what to expect. With having so many mixed-up feelings inside, how would I do with the onslaught of hormones that come after delivery?
As it turned out, I didn’t do too well. I was sad almost all day. I had trouble sleeping. Although I found joy in being with my newborn baby, I did not have hope in my marriage. I kept returning to old thoughts of my husband’s unfaithfulness. I doubted many things. I often asked myself questions like:
“How could he ever have loved me?”
“Can I ever trust him again?”
“Can I even stay married to him knowing that he struggles with lust?”
I looked to the Bible for hope. I read chapters and verses from the book of Isaiah constantly. One passage always popped out at me.
Isaiah 43:19 says:
Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
I read that verse over and over again. I knew how distant my husband and I were. But, as I read the words in that verse, God whispered to my heart that He was going to do a new thing in my marriage. I knew it had to start with me. I could see right before me that my husband was not changing. He was not growing. Also, no matter what he said, I knew he was not following God.
As I sat night after night with my Bible opened to Isaiah, God showed me how to draw close to my husband. God showed me the first step. That step was to talk openly to my husband. I had to explain exactly how I was feeling. I had to tell him the awkward, unapproachable thing that I did not want to say. That I was hurting and I had not forgotten about his past pornography use. In fact, I thought about it constantly, even when I was pretending to be happy. Lastly, I had to tell him that I didn’t know if I could ever be happy with him again after he hurt me so deeply.
First thing in the morning I told my husband I needed to talk to him alone that night. He looked very nervous and asked me what it was about. I told him, “you will find out tonight. And, it’s very important.”