A wife e-mailed me the following question. I thought I would post it because I believe many women who come here may be feeling the same thing. My answer follows. I welcome anyone to share their thoughts.
Thank you for sharing your story. May I ask a question, if you don’t mind? What causes you to fight for your marriage? My husband has been having a problem with porn on and off all of the 10 years of our marriage. I catch him, he stops for about a year and goes back to it. At this point I no longer want my marriage. I’m tired of his lies and selfishness. He disgusts me. Just the thought of his lustful desire to look at these images causes me to have no desire for him. I have no respect for him and truly feel as if he is the worst person on earth for continuously hurting me like this. I feel only an evil, and cold hearted person does that. I don’t have a single positive feeling toward him at all at this point.
My answer to her question is that I really do understand how you are feeling because I have felt that way many many times and I still do occasionally. In no way is this an easy road or one that is quickly over. I have felt disgusted by my husband often in the past three years. And from our perspective I agree with you. It does seem like only a very cruel, heartless person would continuously hurt us over and over. It is beyond frustrating and heartbreaking. But, there are things beyond all this. I do not know your whole situation, but I would ask you a few things like: does your husband repent to you and God when he is discovered? Is he trying to beat this and turn to God? Like your husband, my husband looked at pornography and was unfaithful to me in many ways over the course of ten years. However, I did not know anything about it for those ten years.
When you ask what my reason is to fight for my marriage, it is that God has shown me that my husband needs a helper. When we married, I was very trusting, loving, and naïve. My husband had many bad habits that went against God that I chose to ignore because I was so loving and trusting. However, when I found out about the pornography, I would not stand for that in any way. I have felt like you- so sick and disgusted by him. Yet, God constantly pulled at my heart, showing me the next step on how to bring my husband closer to God and then closer to me. God showed me that my husband could not follow God without my love and help. He had too many long-lasting problems. Unlike me, he was raised in a completely satanic home that encouraged looking at pornography. He did not become a Christian until we were married. It is so very difficult to see past all the disgust of pornography. However, would you be willing to try? The way that I did it was just to trust God for the next step. He showed me ways to bring my husband closer to God. He put the words in my mouth to urge my husband again and again for honesty and faithfulness. I still have to place all my trust in God, because I am still testing my husband with honesty. That is very sad to say. It is not how God intended marriage. But, God could use us wives to bring our husbands into repentance and toward God. We can try to look at Jesus’ example in the New Testaments. I also want you to know that I do not tolerate any sinful ways from my husband that destroy our marriage. I do not tolerate any unfaithfulness or dishonesty whatsoever. Each time my husband decides to do either one of those, it is starting over again. But, I have seen my husband transform from a selfish, disgusting man into a true man of God that I am proud of today. I never thought I could fall in love with him again, but he is becoming a man I never knew-one that I can love very much if I fully let go of the past.