Loneliness

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After my husband decided we were going to be silent about his past pornography addiction, we went on as usual with our life. Shortly after, I became pregnant with our fourth child. We were ecstatic and felt very blessed. I was excited because it gave me a new focus after being in such sorrow. However, it did not change the fact that my husband and I never talked about any of the hard issues.

I remember being incredibly happy about being pregnant and looking forward to a new baby coming to our family. Yet, in every quiet moment, there was terrible loneliness. I knew each day as I looked at my husband that I did not know this man. I still never knew the extent of the things he did. I really didn’t understand the addiction he had. I didn’t know what exactly happened in the private life he was living. And what made me suffer the most was I still didn’t know if he had stopped. I prayed to God each day that an answer would come. Do I trust my husband? Is he being truthful? Should I keep loving this man day in and day out as if nothing ever happened? Shouldn’t we be talking or going to counseling or something?

But, I just couldn’t bring up the subject. It had gotten so long since we talked about it that just the mention of lust or pornography was so awkward. My husband would get very quiet and look away from me. Then, he would quickly utter how he didn’t do that. And that was all there was to our limited conversation that year.

As I got closer and closer to my due date, my heart loomed with fear. I had so many questions and doubts. I spent long hours after my husband went to sleep searching my mind for memories or just something. Still, I had no one I could talk to about this. No one to ask for some wisdom and guidance. I remember thinking if I just had someone, one person who has been through this that could share with us and help us. But, I knew not a single marriage that suffered from pornography addiction.

All the while, I knew there was something wrong in my marriage below the surface. I knew there was no way that my husband was over lust and addiction that easily. I doubted that he really told me all of his secrets.

Then, as my baby came out into this world so did all my pent up emotions, questions, and worries. And that’s when God came into my heart and spoke so clearly, “Now, I am going to start on your marriage.” I knew God was going to bring about change to everything my husband and I had ever known.

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One thought on “Loneliness

  1. Reblogged this on Peace Fills and commented:
    Pornography destroys, however, there is hope; Seeking first to understand and then be understood. Searching to understand your partner works both ways; yet, a solid marital relationship works better with the man initiating the listening first

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