I do not want to keep who I am hidden from any of you. I do not want anyone to assume that my husband and I have a perfect relationship now and that we have overcome all problems. I want to be completely honest. I feel like the least of all to bring hope and encouragement to wives who are suffering.

This is because I know I did everything wrong (at least the first few times I tried). There were many times that I got angry at my husband. I wasn’t kind. I wasn’t encouraging honesty. And I certainly wasn’t forgiving. In fact, I am sure that I acted the total opposite of how God was calling me to act. I deliberately disobeyed God in how I was to honor, respect, and love my husband many times. Each time I told God, “I am just too hurt and angry to follow You, God! Surely You must know that!” God whispered to my heart again and again His message of grace.  His message of forgiveness. His message of redemption. Over and over, God pushed me. I felt more than once that I was going through the refiner’s fire that the Bible talks about. And I am still learning. Every time my husband has something to openly tell me, I’m still working on my reaction. Each time my mind goes through painful memories, I’m still working on loving him like God loves him. As terrible as it is to say, sometimes I find it very difficult to believe that God does indeed love my husband! How could God after all the times he’s hurt me? Isn’t that awful? But it’s true. I struggle at following God.

The best thing that I’ve learned about God is how He still believes in us despite how often we fail Him. He puts me back in the same situations until I get it right!

And amazing of all amazements- God called me to start this blog, right when I am still learning. God has put such desire in my heart to encourage other women and pray for them! He brought me to openly share the story that I kept silent for three years!

So, thank you so much to all that have come here. I am praying for all of you. I am praying that God will continue to grow me into the person He wants me to be and the wife he wants me to be. I pray that God would lead me to show the kind of grace and love to my husband that God shows him. It’s such an impossible thing to do that none of us could do it without God. Thank the Lord that He can make all the impossible- possible. I am so very grateful of that today.

Think of this verse:

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8 NIV)

That applies to my husband and to me. Imagine a love like that?


2 thoughts on “Unworthy

  1. Why do you think God entrusted us with such a mission? Sometimes I feel like he is asking me to do more than I can actually give. I know he is perfect in my weakness but my weakness is super weak and I feel super hurt and I don’t know how to get past it. I also sometimes feel that as the “wronged one” who faces other challenges such as a lack of loyalty around his family, why should I press on? I wonder sometimes if God thinks I deserve this? And that makes me really frustrated with God.


  2. Hi Hope,
    I have also wondered all the same questions. All I can tell you about the hurt and pain is that it takes time. And not just empty time. Time of God showing you the next step to draw you and your husband closer to him. As far as this mission, I will never know for sure. It is heartbreaking. It is painful. I have not had an easy time. There will always be pain when I think of this part of my marriage. However, in my quiet moments with God, He tells me two things. The first thing is that God always knew I had a heart and love for Him that I would be willing to go and speak in the dark places where few want to go. It is not my choice, but God knew I would serve Him even there. Second, God has shown me that I am the only person who could have helped my husband turn to God. I know that he would never have listened to anyone else except the person he loved the most. I am praying for you. Please keep your faith in God and He will show you.


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