Silence

imageThe week that followed was very long. I spent the week crying and my husband spent the week apologizing.

He told me over and over again how sorry he was, that it would never happen again, and how relieved he was that I finally knew. I wanted to believe his words, but somehow they seemed empty. How could he have an addiction his whole life and then never be tempted toward it again? Everything he said contrasted against what I was reading. I felt great conflict in my heart. My whole life, I immediately believed everything my husband told me. Now his words seemed fake. His whole life seemed fake. What could I believe now? Who could I believe? I felt as if I had no one. There was not one person I could tell. We weren’t going to church anymore. I could never tell my family. And my best friend, my husband, wasn’t there either. I was alone, hurt, and empty. Every day was a trial to get up, eat, and care for my three children.

After exactly one week, my husband sat down to talk to me. He told me again he was so very sorry. Then he said words that shocked me. “If we are going to stay married and rebuild our relationship, you can not bring this up again. It is keeping me down. It’s making you angry. And I want to forget the whole thing ever happened. Do not talk about it again.”

I felt I had no choice but to follow him in this. So I kept silent. But I was still hurting. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to my husband about what I really needed to say. I was scared. I wanted to know, “what are you doing with all those temptations? What are you doing with lust? Who is helping you be a good man? What if you slip again? And what about my feeling concerning ten years of a wasted marriage? What about the love I thought we had? What else are you not telling me?”

I had all these questions every day. They boiled in my heart. I prayed and read God’s word alone at night. I cried.

My husband continued to drink, smoke, and stay up late at night to watch movies. Who was to say he didn’t watch pornography anymore? Who was to say he wasn’t tempted anymore? Only his word. And I didn’t believe it.

But I went on, too scared to bring up this hopeless topic.

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4 thoughts on “Silence

  1. As I read your blog today, I’m reminded of my life. I’m there today and have been there many times. Trying to hang on and go about my life. I want to believe my husband is going to change this time and turn from his sin but then there’s this doubt in my mind that says how many times has he said he’s sorry, and that it will not happen again. Too many! I prayed this morning the Lord would have mercy on my marriage. I don’t trust my husband but I do trust God and I do believe that with God all things are possible. Please pray my hope and trust will remain in HIM.

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  2. Hi Clara,
    Thank you so much for your comment. It can be so frustrating and heartbreaking when our husbands disappoint us. I’m so glad you’re trusting in God- knowing that He will never fail us. I am praying for you.

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  3. Thanks for sharing your story! We have been in a cycle since we have been married. I find it on his phone, he says he is sorry, and I am silent and upset for a couple weeks, then we are okay. Give about 6 months and I find it again. We have sent through this cycle 4 times. The last time I was furious and I only gave him the option of counseling. We have been going and the sessions are the only way I can talk to him about the porn any other time I want to throw up just mentioning it.
    I am so encouraged to read your thoughts on this subject. So many women suffer in silence no one to share with or confide in. That trust wall has been broken between husband and wife when we find out he is looking at porn. But again thank you for sharing your story!

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  4. Hi Amy,
    Thank you so much for your kind words. Thank you also for sharing a little about what you’re going through. This cycle of happiness/disappointment can be so difficult to get through. That’s great you’re going to counseling and that you will not accept this in your marriage. I’m praying for you that God will break down this cycle. Feel free to keep us updated on how it’s going.

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