He told me over and over again how sorry he was, that it would never happen again, and how relieved he was that I finally knew. I wanted to believe his words, but somehow they seemed empty. How could he have an addiction his whole life and then never be tempted toward it again? Everything he said contrasted against what I was reading. I felt great conflict in my heart. My whole life, I immediately believed everything my husband told me. Now his words seemed fake. His whole life seemed fake. What could I believe now? Who could I believe? I felt as if I had no one. There was not one person I could tell. We weren’t going to church anymore. I could never tell my family. And my best friend, my husband, wasn’t there either. I was alone, hurt, and empty. Every day was a trial to get up, eat, and care for my three children.
After exactly one week, my husband sat down to talk to me. He told me again he was so very sorry. Then he said words that shocked me. “If we are going to stay married and rebuild our relationship, you can not bring this up again. It is keeping me down. It’s making you angry. And I want to forget the whole thing ever happened. Do not talk about it again.”
I felt I had no choice but to follow him in this. So I kept silent. But I was still hurting. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to my husband about what I really needed to say. I was scared. I wanted to know, “what are you doing with all those temptations? What are you doing with lust? Who is helping you be a good man? What if you slip again? And what about my feeling concerning ten years of a wasted marriage? What about the love I thought we had? What else are you not telling me?”
I had all these questions every day. They boiled in my heart. I prayed and read God’s word alone at night. I cried.
My husband continued to drink, smoke, and stay up late at night to watch movies. Who was to say he didn’t watch pornography anymore? Who was to say he wasn’t tempted anymore? Only his word. And I didn’t believe it.
But I went on, too scared to bring up this hopeless topic.