I knew I had to tell my husband.
The day grew on. I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t eat anything because I just couldn’t swallow food. Every time I looked at my husband I felt scared and sad. I was so sad because I saw him in a completely new way. He really wasn’t the amazing perfect husband. He really did look at and long for other women. He was never faithful to me. Our special bond and sacred marriage was gone. It was all over. In fact it was never even there. It was only in my fake world of imagination that my husband fed. How dare he! All he ever did was talk about our true love! How dare he say to various people, “anyone would trade anything for a love like our love. People would give up anything for true love”. People would trade anything for a love like ours? What love? Love that hides their real self behind someone else’s back? Love that slowly kills another person’s soul? No one would want that kind of love. All these things I was thinking when I looked at my husband.
At the same time I was scared. I knew that once I told my husband, everything would be out. He would be so mad and our marriage would be over. What could be done? He would know that I discovered his worst secret sin. He knew I put up with the drinking and the smoking and his other habits I couldn’t stand in my home! But he knew, this one would never do. This one you never do. So I was very very scared.
I locked eyes with him. I looked deeply into this beautiful eyes that I loved and trusted for ten years. They were really just lying and deceiving eyes now. Nothing else. He said, “what’s wrong?” I told him what I found. He immediately looked down. He cried out and cursed God. I’ll always remember what he said. “I didn’t choose this. God hates me! I didn’t choose to be raised in a family that had this. I tried. I tried so hard! I hate God.” My reply was to him, “you just don’t do this to someone!”
After this confrontation, was where my long journey began. I had to learn about pornography and why it is such a temptation for men. I was being thrown into this without knowing anything! All the while I was so greatly disgusted because it was the last thing on earth I wanted to learn about. But there I was studying this filth alone.