Hope

a-single-light

Even in that moment of brokenness and horror after discovering that my husband had been viewing pornography for our entire marriage I felt God’s comfort.

In that stunning moment, I cried out to my God. “How can this be God?” I asked. God knew how I hated pornography and anything involved in it. I was always so grateful that I didn’t have the type of husband who would ever do that! Yet God spoke to my heart comfort. The comfort was that God was still there. He was walking right beside me. Even now, in my nightmare, He was there. He also gave me clarity. Sitting there, I can still remember the clarity that came to me. I felt as if everything finally made sense. I said, “God, This was it. This was the missing piece that I knew was there somewhere in my marriage.” I always knew something wasn’t right. Something wasn’t working that was beyond what I could see. God brought it into focus that day. After the clarity settled in, the pain came. The pain so overwhelming that it would take years to unfold and navigate through. That was when I closed my eyes. I let the tears collect and I asked God, “Now what?”

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4 thoughts on “Hope

  1. Thanks for sharing. This is something that should be talked about in the Body of Christ. I too have had to and still deal with this issue in my marriage. I somewhat felt the same way you did when I found out. I felt as if I could die, bury myself and cover the dirt over myself. I remember feeling lonely, betrayed and every other feeling associated with pain. I packed my bags and was all set to leave…walk out on my husband…my marriage and God. I cried all night til my eyes were puffy and red. I couldn’t tell this to anyone. I didn’t realize that God was using that very situation to push me close to Him so that I could become the help meet He ordained me to be to my husband. The Lord spoke clearly and told me to LOVE my husband through this. Love pass the pain, hurt, disappointment, failure and loneliness I was going through. He reminded me of the vows I took before Him to love honor and obey in good times and bad times even in the worst of times.
    It was the strength from God that I received to be able to be the help meet Be ordained me to be to and for my husband. God begin to reveal so much that I wasn’t doing in my marriage, not what my husband was doing. God begin to show me, me. He was correcting, reproofing and purging me and it wasn’t pretty.
    My husband and I now take time to talk about hidden issues and we pray about everything. We pray for each other and cover each other at ever end by the Blood of Jesus.
    I wan to say thank you for sharing and being able to be transparent without being convicted by the thoughts of others. If more Christians would be more transparent about real issues and stop worrying about what others say or think, we might just get a generation saved.

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  2. Your comment is so encouraging. I’m so happy for you that you are trusting God and seeing Him work in your marriage and in your heart. I also had no one I could tell when this happened in my marriage. Thank you so much for visiting and sharing your experiences.

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  3. The very thing I begged God to not let me experience as my parents did was this addicting poison of porn. I found out the 2nd year of our marriage and it continued for 12 yrs. I was so angry at God for allowing me to feel this deep betrayal from the porn which led to several affairs. It’s been 6 yrs of a continual uphill difficult battle for my husband to overcome this sin…Two weeks ago more confessions of porn and lust throughout last year…This Easter weekend I need some hope! Some evidence of the power of God through Jesus to set my husband free from porn.! I have been committed and faithful to him for 19 yrs. and will continue but we need resurrection life in our marriage. I’m tired and weary and emotionally drained fighting my own battles of low self-esteem and self-worth.

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  4. Hi Wilma,
    Your faithfulness to your husband and to God is very inspiring. Thank you also for sharing your story because it can be such encouragement to others to not give up hope. I know we both believe in the resurrection of Jesus Christ and that He can do the same for our marriages. I am praying for you as you keep fighting through this.

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